Thursday, 23 October 2008

“Well one of the terms meant Darts Players, the other term meant a sexual situation that are usually filmed involving 2 men and 1 women”

“Oh! I see” paled Hack

“Well I became really attached to Kid Carpet he had a real charm in entertaining people with his Kiddie addled toy pop! Bouncing around with his my little Tomy guitar solos, he was an expert at pressing the buttons!”

“Oh yeah, he really knew how to pull off a guitar solo! His button pressing technique was exceptional” the Crone paused for a brief second

“He created what he called Shit-hop, it was like electro post punk made using Kids toys! Mixing it all together with his unique sense of humor that would make him easily appeal to wide audience of both Kids and adults a like. I really looked up to Ed and his girlfriend” he said grining with broken teeth an a reflective glaire in his eyes.


“Kid Carpet was just a stage name and gimmick that he had created by using his first name and sir name mixed together too create an anograme! So his real name was Ed Patrick. Both him and his girlfriend were really nice to me, they housed me a couple of times after shows he had played”

“They treated me with a great level of respect and so I looked up to Ed as a role figure, because I respected the way that he and his girlfriend treated people! They even would make me Breakfast and generally make sure I was alright” he paused whilst staring at the rustic Iron Girders.

“I can remember the first time I spoke to Ed’s girlfriend” he said shiftily

“I was talking to her about my mental situation and how appendicitus almost killed me with all the mental stuff that goes on in my head, I like talking to people about myself because I use it as way of introducing myself to other people” he said with a wistful air.

“Both of the shows Kid Carpet did for me were rammed to the hilt! At the show with We Yes You No people were fighting for space, literally climbing on tables and chairs to get a glimpse of Ed in action” he said raising his hands wildly into the Hacks face.

“God that sounds like it was crammed?” said Hack

“Well after a couple of years of getting to know Mr Carpet and his lovely girlfriend and turning up to loads of his gigs, he started a radio show which was broadcast to people on a local community radio station broadcast from the top of an old church that had been turned into a local community centre for all forms of art and media purposes. They often had all sorts of courses running with youth scemes” he said staring at the sky.

“What was it like doing a radio show?”

“Well we just crash invaded the place every first Thursday of the month for about an hour or so, taking it over with Eds peerless presenting style and his friends random jabbering about consumer news issues being what cheap objects she found in charity shops and there was me who was making up the pack with my hysterical innuendo’s of my vulgarity” he said shriffling up his collar in the brisk wind.

“Eds set list of songs would be like an old primary school disco mega mix! playing everything from ACDC through to Chic, to Flaming Lips, to MC Hammer, oh yes he had all the hits” chuckle the Crone faintly.

“I can remember one time when we had a live auction with a stuffed cat that purred and a superly massive tent that he had brought for a pound off ebay, both me an Gail got embodied in a full on biding war over the cat, I lost out to mystery bidder who had more then my 50p for the cat”

“Yeah the show was usually live on the internet, but sometimes due to the ineptatude of the volunteers capabilities or the equipments used in the studio!”
“What were the studio facilities like?”

“Well it was ramshackled with some good equipment and a laid back atmosphere” he said staring gainfully into Hack’s eye’s as Hack scribbled furlong smoke coming off his pen nib.

“I also at the same time became Ed’s onstage dancer, we did both Ashton Court and Bestival” he said longingly into the Hacks eyes

“Do you think this was what built you as the character that people judged you for?”

“Quite possibly Hack, quite possibly” he paused with refreshed eyes.

“Dancing onstage for Ashton Court was personal dream come true, I was onstage with Kid Carpet and his motley cru of carrier bags and robots infront of 15,000 screaming people was insane. Too have that many people screaming out your name is purely frightening and strangely enjoyable at the same time. I was one of my many dreams was to be involved as one of the main acts on the main stage, I could feel peoples voices hit me from the back of the stage, I was having to tell people to calm down because I did not want to completely take over Ed’s show!” he stated with his eyes shivering

“Why was Ashton Court such an important event to you?”

“Ashton Court was an important event not just to me but to the entirety of the musical community in Bristol, it was a chance for smaller bands to play in a bigger stage too their home audiences. I can remember seeing Skunk Anansie play there in 95 when I was just a wee boy, hearing the soul power stroked vocals rip over punk rock riffs and thumping bass lines with a pounding sense of punching emotions and stagnant furry!” rattled the crones voice in vibrant ecstacy

“I have never had such a big adrenalin rush in my life” he exclaimed

“We also did Bestival later on that summer, which was almost as crazy as Ashton Court”

“Really?” pondered Hack

“Yes it was like as if half of Bristol had gone on a camping holliday to the Isle of Wight, which is a beautiful place”.

Hack nodded with agreement “Ie Old Crone it sure is a beautiful place”

“The festival was set in a family adventure park, everything about the sight was picturesque, from the sculptures through too the words written on the hill and the musical line-up was astonishing, it was the best festival of the summer”.

“What made it such a good festival?”

“Well everybody spent the entire weekend in my tuxsedo partying it up for 3 days solid, Kid carpet was on in the House of Bamboo stage which was in a huge marquee of over a thousand plus people, it was buldging by the time Ed was onstage” he said beamingly

“I was behind the stage winding myself up being preppared for the curtain call of Carrier Bag and then all a sudden it was lift off! Things went swimmingly for Ed until his hard drive crashed meaning he had to pretty much end his set there and then leaving haude of people chanting out my name, he pulled me up for one last
parade around the stage too people who were blasting out my name as I tried in veign to deflate my ego!”

“Why was it in veighn?”

“Well my ego lit up like a hot air balloon with me gloating for weeks after, meaning that I talked too all as if I was above them, even my friends” he sighed

“That’s when I realized that what I had been given can quite easily be taken away” he paused too intake a stiff breath

“It was around then when things started to get a bit hectic” he said stairing bewilderedly at the iron girders and his damp sleeping bag

“Why were things getting hectic?” Questioned the Hack with young tones ringing in his ears.

“Because I had gained a reputation of being a well known person for dancing at the front of gigs, people wanted me to be in their videos. I was the latest thing that was seen to be hanging on the latest models arms, who wanted to be seen in all the flashy rags, with their glitterati wanting me on their hands!”

Monday, 6 October 2008

“The Korova?”

“Yeah it was a plush little venue where bands played in the venues basement and the upstairs was Weatherspoons like diner cheap pub”

“We Yes You No were asked to play sed venue by a band called 28 Costumes, who were extremely influential in the thriving boss pop scene that was buzzing around in the city producing bands like The Wombats, Go Faster and Elle Sapelle” He stated

“28 Costumes were running a regular weekly residency to celebrate the release of their latest single”

“So 28 Costumes asked We Yes You No to play the Korova?”

“Yep, So ventured down to Liverpool smelling rosefully and after an hour or so of misconstrued directions and aiming in the total point of lostness” he breathed.

“Once I had stumbled into the venue, I found various band members berating the food menu with the singer doing his standard why can’t everyone be Vegans before scoffling down a bowl of Tomato soup. The band then wheeled in their equipment for sound check”.

“It was soon show time and so I was busy rounding up people for We Yes You No totally unaware that there were big TV screens up around the place and that there were camera’s placed downstairs and dopey old me did not make the connection”

“What connection? what did you do?”

“Well We Yes You No came to their last song and so I joined them onstage in my orange boiler suite and superman t-shirt and I began to perform my specialties!” he crowed

“What happened?”

“Well as I was performing the strip there seemed to be an ever growing number of security puffer jackets appearing in the audience, until I was confront by two heavies who virtually dragged me out in my skiddy kecks on”

“Did they do anything to you?”

“No they just let me go with a shrift warning in my ear!”

“So you were very lucky to get away with a warning”

“Yes I was but that was not the only time I made a fool of myself that evening because I tried to chat up two lovely looking girls who turned out to be lesbians!”

“Aparrantly I had caused quite a stir with my nights acivity. There were quite a few luminaries of the Liverpool scene aparantly burgers and me in my underwear do not bode well together!” he chuckled

“I can believe that!” chuckled Hack

“Yeah I think some people were disturbingly turned on, like the bands girlfriends who plastered me in writing with a big black marker pen” he paused

“I was a bit mad around those times, I was starting to believe my own hype, I was used as an extra for my friends band Fortune Drive, I was used in the background crowd with their friends. We all ram raided the dressing up box to try and create a party like theme in The Old Duke. The Old Duke was a real musicians pub, it was one of the few pubs that I visited. I always saw friendly faces that served me”

“They had closed off the pub for the filming of the video, sealing the windows with black material to create the feeling of night time, they served us with fake booze because of licensing laws it was illegal to serve alcohol on film sets, but some of the cast had stocked up on magic apple juice”

“Magic Apple juice?”

“Yeah you know Cider, we were sat around outside the pub soaking up the Magic Apple juice in our ridiculous costumes, I had a really freaky mask on the back of my head and I had a cape attached around my neck. I really freaked people out with the mask, it was really creepy looking”.

“Why were they not allowed to have alcohol on set?”

“It’s something to do with laws and legistation regarding health and safety apparently and it also means that the people making the video don’t have to pay the companies for product placements” he said gainfully

“Well anyway we all had to pretend that we were merrily drunk having a good time whilst being sat around the tables in the Old Duke, the people sat on my table had sneaked in the magic Apple Juice!” he laughed

“The longer the filming went on the more the magic apple juice began to take effect! Sat around on the table I was on was a soul singer called David and a Swedish girl called Annie, we decided it would be a good idea to do some roll playing, so me and David decided that we were going to have an argument over Annie and things got a little more active and the Magic Apple juice flowed with the dramatic effects ending with both me and David headbuting each other which hurt like hell as he had a big forehead” he chuckled

“I also did a video appearances for We Yes You No and Kid Carpet, We Yes You No had me star as the main character for their video Apocalypes Pocket Sized Edition” he stated

“I received the script for their video a couple of days before the shoot, basically they wanted me to lead a parade around the backstreets of London dressed in tuxcedo, swat an Imaginary dragonfly. I felt like a wolf trussed up in Sheep’s clothing!”

“At one point I had to spell bind the following crowd with an Ed the Duck style puppet placed on my hand! Qu lots of jokes about me fisting Ed the duck, from a drunken crowd of extras who at large were friend s of the bass player! It felt like such an international day, there were spanish, italians and Cockneys” he ribbed

“Aren’t cockneys English?” laughed Hack

“Do cockneys count as English or as anything!”

“Well the last few scenes that we shot in a kids play ground with me sitting on a swing holding onto a balloon! With people dancing around me, these turned out to be the first and final scenes in the video” he pause

“I can remember the director of the video kept on sucking upto me in a weirdo kind of way! Your going to be such a star, your going to be a superstar! The production team were brothers from Austrailia and the directors Girlfriend” he described
“Superstar my arse!”

The Crone paused reflectively

“I can remember the first time I made contact with We Yes You No, I discovered them on myspace whilst searching for new bands, I really wanted to see them play live so I invited them to play a show down here with Kid Carpet and they invited me upto to meet with them and watch them play in the holday inn”

“They played in a Holliday inn?”

“Yes it was one of the strangest gigs I have ever been too!, watching We Yes You No play to an empty hall in a hotel was a bit strange! There was nobody there because the promoter was charging through the nose to go and see unsigned bands, he was charging £12.50 or something like that”

“£12.50 to see unsigned bands?, that is pure extortion!”

“That is exactly what I thought. The headliners did make me laugh even though they were really arrogant”

“Really what were they called?”

“God knows! I don’t really care, I remember sitting down at the table eating the food the Hotel had laid on for us when the singer from the headliners entered the room with his girlfriend and started playing around with his mobile phone, he had their one and only single as his ringtone. He kept on playing it going, isn’t this the greatest song in the world with his girlfriend sucking off his ego” sniggered the Crone

“To me it sounded like a cheap David Bowie rip off held together with the Heroes riff, all I can remember is that they were all coke heads backed by flashy looking management who had hyped them up! And look what happened they got dumped upon never to be seen or heard again!”

“They got dumped upon?”

“Yes and rightfully so they were awful!”
“And so anyway I had approached We Yes You No to try and promote them in Bristol, because I used to promote shows under the alias of Open All Ears and I managed to get them on a strong bill with Mr Kid Carpet and a varying bunch of nut jobs called Los Conios, which is Spanish for the Cunts”

“The first act I ever put on was Kid Carpet, I can remember the first ever show I did, I had Kid Carpet headlining the Croft with the DP Wives”.

“DP Wives?”

“Yes there were several conotations as to what the name could mean both with the same sexual meaning!”

“What sexual meaning was that?”

Monday, 1 September 2008

“What? Dancing in your underpants?” spluttered the Hack
“yes it was for a tv show called Project Myworld, which was a hideous show” he paused before going on

“The whole premises of the show was that they would follow 3 attractive girl next door type presenters around Europe” he said twitching alien fingers.

“One of the girls would hang out with her favorite unsigned indie rock bands that they had found on myspace! Another one of the presenters went on dates with guys that she found on myspace and the other supposedly intrepid adventuring presenter went on adventures through people she had met guese where?” he said with a doppled sound of sarcasm.

“Yes that’s right she found them on myspace” he said with distained sense of Irony

“I can see a link there!”

“Yeah it is in the title” he chuckled

“So how the hell did you manage to blag that one?”

“Well We Yes You No were asked to do the show as one of the places they were visiting for the series was our beloved capital, and they wanted their no1 fan onboard” he said pointing to his chest

“I remember being asked to do the show the night before, because I was playing at a gig in the Louisiana under Manic F supporting Aussie garage rockers The Scare. So the next morning I blairily eyed motored upto London stinking of fresh manly oders from the previous nights action wearing the only vaguely clean t-shirt that I had which I did not realized contained a joke that a lot of Americans might have taken offence too” he said with spairing tones

“It was only when meeting up with We Yes You No’s drummer, when he made the point that the film crew might take offence to the T-shirt”

“Did you do anything about it?”

“No because I personally did not give a toss which ever way they reacted, they were either going to like me or hate me! so I strolled into the drummers work place where they were filming. One of the presenters introduced her self before asking if I would be doing ‘The Panty Dance’ for us!”

“How did you react to that?”

“Well how could I decline the opportunity to get my sweaty on US TV, I mean how many other people can you name to have got their arse on TV?”

The Hack just stood still in the brittle wind that blew

“Not many people have those sorts of opportunities! So I jumped at the chance. In doing so I got to meet the biggest lumps of plastic in my entire life”.

“The Biggest lumps of plastic in your entire life?”

“Yeah! The presenters were like hollowed Barbie dolls who, had to be plastered in make up every 5mins, along with the camera perfect kookiness to make them appeal for typical girl next door types with all the personalities of a piece of plastic”

“They weren’t to impressed by my T’shirt with its anti American joke, or the stench of moldy sweat and smoldering face paint stuck like super glue in my hair like masses of riddled knots. So I smelt really good!” he said with ringing sarcasm

“Well anyway we were filming at the drummers work place, which was the Sherlock Holmes museum. It also happened to be the drummers Birthday on that day and the two miss adventuring scampering presenters decided to play a guesing game dressed up in Sherlock Holmes kapes, hats and play a magic gues his age game with magnifying glasses!” he said pulling alien fingers

“I was on hand to spoil the game for them and they reacted with their faces plastered with the faux pass ‘oh who do we have hear’ expressions as I shouted out the drummers age trying to spare his diginity from being completely destroyed, by the peering eyes through magnifying glasses as I could see his face cringe with embarrassment”.

“After they had finished filming what was needed to be filmed and the poking of many blazing questions regarding my views on Americans and their institutionalized form of politics, me and the drummer dashed across town to get to We Yes You No’s rehearsal studio where we met up with the other band members, I sat in their tiny little kitchenary area chatting to band members girlfriends and Friends whilst the band rehearsed ready to be filmed, before changing into my clingy stenchard Superman tshirt”

“The film crew turned up with the girl next door type presenters and we had to pretend as if by magic we had not seen each other before!” he said synchronized with fraught sarcasm

“Eventually it came for the time when the band had to be filmed giving their grand performance, they played 3 song for the camera’s that were whipping around the room focusing on their girls trying to do forced sexyfied r’n’b style dance moves, but as soon as the cameras whipped their focuss away from them, then they just stood about with complete nunplused expressions on their faces, standing about like Barbie dolls and then right next to them was me flingning my arms free and wild like as if I did not have a care in the world. And then it came too the big moment”

“Really? The words oh and dear spring to mind!” chortled Hack

“The time had come too rip off my nose crippling t-shirt which had not been washed for weeks and was making my man breasts itch. So off came the t-shirt with me rubbing my manly breasts up and down with sticky sweat and then came the big trouser drop!” He chortled

“So I was left in my skiddy widefronts! You should have seen the expressions on their faces”

“God I can imagine!”

“All I can say is I have never seen so many people squirm at once. The presenters were cringing almost hiding with embarrassment, the cameramen did do a miraculous job in holding up the camera whilst all heaving with out right laughter, I mean how would have you reacted if you saw this slawnchy bean pole dance in grotty underwear?”

“I would be squirming to high hell!” replied Hack

“So would I, but hey that show got a regular viewer rating of over 6million in the US let alone and further viewership in European countries like France and Spain!” he explained

“So all those people got a glimpse of you in your under pants?”

“Yep, it was a prime time show so it prime time billing all across the states and it randomly got shown in Europe because my friends randomly spotted me! But it never got shown in this country because we have such quality control” he slated

“I mean they really were some of the fakest people I have ever met, they were almost as plastic as Barbie” he sighed

“It was crazy stunts like that that got me the reputation for being an eccentric nutcase. My stripping at We Yes You No’s shows caused all sorts of mayhem including being almost un-ceramoniously being dumped out of the Korova in Liverpool!”

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

"I can remember the tour started up in Manchester it was like a mad trolley dash around the countryside, they played the Roadhouse, it was a one man and his dog type show where they were miss cast as the headliners with a dodgy funk rock band"

"We ended up staying at a fans house, she spent most of the night staring at me going, your mad you are! She said shaking her head with disbelief. We spent most of the next day mucking around in toyshop posing with various puppets and trying to plug the bands debut ep to varying record shops before we made the manic dash across the penines to our next show that was in Leeds” he said with be mused excitement

“Sprinting across the peniegns in our little transit, it felt like we were being illegal immigrant smugglers stuffing 2 of the members in the back as we rattled along roads with deftdifying drops steeping on beautiful views”

“Some of the views are amazing but it did at times feel like we were on a cable car dangling over the edge doing break neck speeds along narrow roads with the feeling of death haunting us if we made one little slip up”

“We arrived into Leeds in one piece with the singer and guitarist in quite disgruntled moods as they had been thwacked around in the back of the van with all the bands as the bass player had been driving the van in almost a daredevil like fashion” he paused murmerously

“The next day we then set off for Liverpool where we due to be playing the legendary Cavern club but the promoter had for unknown reasons cancelled the gig and after many hours of listening to him wheez down the phone ‘Um er sorry mate double booking’ and scraping together any excuse possible he could grasp out of thin air!”

“So what did you?”

“Well we decided to head out too where we were staying for the evening which happened to be the house of the drummers girlfriend’s parents who lived in the plush area of the whirral just outside of Liverpool” he said taking a couple of swigs from the ever staling coffee

“We rolled on up to a big plush mansion like guest house where they lived, her step mum is one the creepiest women I have ever met, it felt like a tenuous seen from Meet the Parents like scenarios”

“The inducing feelings that ran through out the night of self homigenable jokes that she spluttered out over the table where we were huddling around food”

“They managed to persuade the band into giving an acoustic performance of some of their songs infront of the family whilst we all lounged in the mamouth sized front room and literally the whole family was there including the grand mother”


“Yes it was the whole family, so we were all sat on sofa’s in the front room listening to the band, we were all spread all over 3 mega huge sofas, I was sat imbetween the drummers girlfriend and her step mum when the step mum looked at my big clumping boots, before making the most cringe worthy reference too the size of my manhood hood. At this point I sensed that both me and the drummers girlfriend, wanted the sofa we were sat on to eat us up as I could feel myself shrinking inch by into sofa and seeing the drummers girlfriend disappear into the cushions with pure embarrassment”

“I can imagine it being quite cringe worthy”

“Well it was quite a picture, with the step mum sat one end me in the middle and the drummers girlfriend the other side of me, there was a definite slope accruing. The step mum managed to give me nightmares all night! I mean I don’t mind it when some people hit on me, just not when they are about double or triple my age” he cringed

“I can imagine it being quite uncomfortable!”

“Quite uncomfortable! That was a bit of an understatement considering both mine and the drummers girlfriends and my heads were lit up like blood red coloured turnips”

“The next day I managed to be waken by the wafering smells of the full English being stoked up on an outside bbq, the watering mouth and chundering hunger in my stomach meant that I was able to put up with the step mums insessentness for a few more hours before we offloaded on the road towards Nottingham which was the final date of our Northern miss adventures” he said informatively

“I had a couple of days off to nurse my funds which were in desperate need of nursing as I had been bleeding funds like as if I was a leach sucking blood out everything until it was bone dry”

“They then came and invaded the south west, including my house”

“What was that like?”

“It was like a call to arms at times with all the band members squabbling taking the rip! As they all had to sleep with each other crushed in compact rooms, swapping sofas and the big double bed between them night after night. At times it felt a bit like chicken coupe” he laughed

“The first of the dates in the south west was in Bath’s legendary Moles Club, in the days off I had been planning a decidedly dodgy publicity stunt that involved me, a pair of boxers, some Duck tape and a Superman T-shirt!”

“Why did you use those props?”

“well I had this clever idea to help the band out do the other bands by joining the band onstage for the last song and performing a Superman strip, that would leave me in my boxers with the initials of the band written across my stomach in duck tape”

“Did it work?”

“To a certain extent as if in making me look like a stupid dick, so I joined them onstage and when whipping off my t-shirt to do the great reveal, it flew off so did some of the duck tape” he said his voice pickling with flakey laughter

“So you can imagine it me stood there in my smudging boxers with random strips of duck tape hanging from my full barreled keg of a stomach, I was too impressive for a tanked up 6 pack! My spots were too sexy for it!”

The Hack laughed

“I used Bath as bit of a warm up for what I wanted to use as the masterpiece! Which was Bristol on this home turf, where WYYN were playing the Louisiana with locals the Franco’s, who were Bristol’s answer to the Coral and a histronically bloated pop tartted goth Girl Wanna be called Betty Curse” he said eye’s running up and down

“We being me and the band arrived at the venue on time and loaded in our gear before wandering around the City. We later returned to the venue to find Betty Curse and co outside smugly talking like as if they owned the place as we passed them by! I did try talking to her but she had all the personality of a wax work”

“She virtually suffocated us in the dressing room with her 25 cans of hair spray, seriously talk about glossing yourself with a virtual Loreal endorsement, basically she was a walking, talking Loreal advert! Also she mimed her performance” sain the Crone

“She mimed her performance?” bemused Hack “Why would she do that?”

“Well she did, her manager turned up with a midi player that he plugged into the mixing desk with all the levels set so it sounded crystal clear. It was utterly bemusing, the guitars were playing when the guitarists weren’t even plugged into the amps, drums were playing at different times and there was this horrendous faux par Organ sound to give it that oh she’s an authentic goth like tone!” he said with more then a hint of sarcasm in his voice

“So naturally We Yes You No followed up and blew her and the Loreal sponsorship out of the venue with their brand sweet and dark psych pop music, by the time the band had hit the stage I was ready to do the Superman strip for real! The drummer had given me his orange boiler suite to wear” he stated

“We Yes You No had this image of all of them wearing orange boiler suites, which suited their laid back triped out sounds”

“I remember the venue being particularly hot and sweaty that night, I was already sweating like a dog when I was getting ready to perform the magic strip!”
“And was it Magic?”
“Well it was not so much magic as it was special!, the heat was so much that all the tape pealed off and flew into the audience leaving me with my stark belly wobbling up and down thickly greased with sweat and people trying to drag down my boxers” he laughed
“it was not quite the same spectacle I had intended it to be. Thou the audience did squirm at my guseted stomach bulging with red spotted sweat of endeverment!” he sparked as the Hacks face squirmed

“As you can imagine the audiences reaction was completely nonplused and puzzled as to why such a brawldy man should reveal himself in such a way, running around in his grundies hollering out the lyrics in my un-tuneful voice leaving the crowd a bit dazed” her sighed

“ofcourse all the crowd were really there to see the Franco’s, who paved their way with easy on the ear tunes trying to almoste replicate the scouser pop sound of the La’s and the Coral”

“This was not the Only time I got comfortable in my undies, my reputation for doing such a stunt took me far and wide” he croked

“Really?, How far did it take you?”

“It took me onto American TV”

“What? Dancing in your underpants?” spluttered the Hack
“yes it was for a tv show called Project Myworld, which was a hideous show” he paused before going on

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

“Yeah he certainly was interesting to say the least, it was like a if he just let things go hey wire pressing every mental button until he blitzed himself. He is the sort of person who would on and off from balcony’s at gigs, often hanging himself from perilously close to the edge”

“The venue did have a low ceiling and the singer from Les Savy Fav was able to just reach up to the light bulb with ease, the entirety of the crowd was swelling goading him on to do crazier things as the venue just erupted into 1 mass moshpit surging forward from the off”

The crone took in a deep hardy breath and sighed with blustering tones

"Fun times they were!" he reminisced “fun times they were!”

"That was back when people started to like me," exhausted the Crone.

"And just before people started sucking up to me like preposterous flies hiding sharks teeth," he said, his voice soaring.

"Sometimes I had to put on fake plastic smiles, which really hurt because there was no one that I really felt I could reach out to when I needed them. I just felt that I was being an inconvenience," he said, stifling sniffles. "You see I suffer with chronic sadness, like manic depression, often sparked off by severe nervous flashback of nastiness", he scorned.

"These could come across in a flash and have lasting effects, destroying any blocks of confidence with which I built. I had a lot of people claim to like me." He paused for a stiffening breath.

"Some of them were truthful and others had deceitful shark-like teeth." "Shark-like teeth?" posed the Hack.

"Yeah, you know, evil little voices that spread falsified rumors, printing them out like facts. Even though they are prickly lies." Crone's voice grew with brightening allegations.

"What allegations did you have thrown in your direction?" Hack spoke with a broken sense of edginess.

"Well, I had someone claim that I was a sexual deviant who molested girls who were intoxicated. I mean, do I look like a molester?" He scrawled with his eyes bulging red with rage.

The Hack mawkishly stated "I don't know what a molester looks like." "Exactly", he fumed.

"I have never molested anyone and I would never dream of doing so." He breathed heavily.

"I mean answer me this Hack, how sexually deviant is a fucking virgin?" His voice risen pure rage burning frustration as the Hack pondered with the awe of shock.

"At this point, I decided to hunt down those sharks who hid behind plastic facades that swarm around in the pool of humanity! Giving an unerring sense of shame upon that castigated cutting wires, which he soldered on my name!" He scowled with darkening scars in his voice.

"I mean if you are going to make up a lie about me then at least make it entertaining. Like when one guy who tried to claim to all my friends that I was homeless," he said. "Now that was a good lie", he started.

"At least make the lies unbelievable and not attacking some parts of my private life!" He screwed his voice tightly

“You know the term sticks and stones will brake my bones but words will never hurt me! Well sometimes those words can be like sharp blades cutting against my skin!”

“You see Hack sometimes people paint you on a peddle stall just to poke at you because you are seen to be in the public eye!”

“Sometimes people can say very insensitive things” said the Hack sensitively

The Crone Shrugged “I just wished that people would think before the commit to print because firing off like stray dogs I would quite happily put them to the sword” his voice became untangled with frustration

“You see I never had much luck when it came to love, I developed crushes on people, you know like you always do”.

“I have only been kissed a number of times, it is only recently that I have had any sort of confidence when it comes to girl’s, I have only slept in the same bed as one girl”.


“Yes Hack, the girl in question was called Carly, I had a crush on her for quite a while and she is still someone that I have a big gewy like soft spot for, because she was the first person to call me beautiful and actually mean it!, usually when people called me beautiful then I thought they were joking, where as I could kind of being honest with me. Is it sad for me to still be reminiscing about someone that I had or still have a tenderness for?”

“No old man, it is no sad thing because it shows that you cared enough, many people I know reminisce about love”.

“Of course nothing really came of it because I had the voices in my head telling me off and I had this mental fear that somehow I would contrive to fuck things up. So love never really happened for me!”

“Sometimes you have to trust yourself, and know how to go with your feelings”

“That is something I have never had any confidence in because I was afraid that I might scare people off with my voice, sometimes I could not stomach words because of nerves that were triggered off in my head” he sighed

“It is almost like as if I have a skitzophrenic condition, this has labored me with many things like an internal anxiety, sometimes being affecting my moods with at times wild swings”

“Its hard because I cared or tried to care for so many people, its like I over exposed myself because I wanted to be loved and at times I needed the mental security even just someone to hug for a bit warmth for my soft hearted soul” he muttered

“I mean I can even remember my first kiss, it is a moment that that forever changed my views on life. I was at my friends ep launch down in London” he paused

“They were a band called We Yes You No, who did tripped out lofi indie pop in the vein of Granddaddy and Pavement. They were the ultimate European immigration band, their singer was a raving mad hippieised Swedish vegan who had to complain about why the world is not vegan! The guitarist was Israeli and forever getting into debates about the state of world politics, the bass player was a boll shy Italian and the drummer was the only vaguely English and I say he was vaguely English because he hailed from the Isle of Wight, which is not technically England!”

“That sounds like quite an eclectic mix of personalities”

“yeah they were an eclectic bunch of nut jobs, which I had quite a few experiences of the drummers random moods, the guitarists rat arsed views on politics and the bass players pornched out humor add too that the singers amateur dramatics and Operatic whining for near constant want of perfection, you had quite an eclectic group hotch potched Europeans”

“Well anyway I was at their ep launch, the band asked me to join them onstage for the last song, too which I jumped at the opportunity! Whilst onstage I had noticed a gaggle of very attractive young girls. I had noticed that one very cute blonde girl was staring right at me and so I decided to mime the chorus of the song whilst staring right into her eyes. The chorus had the line I am Superman, so I decided to lean off the stage and point at her getting eye to eye contact”

“God, that sounds well romantic”

“Well that’s the sort of person I am, I crave romance! I was brought up in a very loving environment and was taught to respect others unlike some of the youth of today” the Crone shuddered

“But yeah my first sexual experience happened after the band had played and the dj hit the decks, I hit the dance floor. Said blonde girl and friends joined me soon after to dance the night away. I allowed said blonde and her friends to share in the wearing of my plush trilby hat that I had with me and pretend to be cowgirls and cowboys. Right at the end of the night one of the girl’s friends returned my hat and the next thing I knew I was spun and the blonde girl I had been dancing with jumped onto me pining me to the bar where I was standing”

“How did you feel at the time?”

“I was shocked, I mean, I did not know what she saw in a n ugly git like me! So, yeah I was completely taken back by that beauty”
“Did you get her name?”

“My nerves kept on playing up on me so I was too shy, I was scared that my voice would frighten her and the music was so loud that spittle would fly out because of my lisp. So yeah, that was a major moment for me, because it took something like that to realize that people liked me for being me and that girls might find me attractive because I stood out from the crowd. Yet I think I was pretty ugly, but it just goes to show some people look beyond image and into the personality that lies behind them”.

“That is true!”

“That was not the last of my escapade’s with We Yes You No, I went on a 2 week tour with the band”

“How was that?”

“Well it was like a mega crash course to a dodgy EU convention, full of dodgy driving, the bass players dodgy one liners winding up the singer”

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

"But in all seriousness I did love it in the Louisiana, the owners were a married couple, Giovanni and Mary Schillache and their son Mig rented out the upstairs space for gigs. It was a really a great atmosphere"

"It sound like it was the perfect place for you!' gestured the hack

'It was like a home from home for me, the nice intimate space to see fast rising bands drench themselves in sticky sweat in-front of 120-160 sweaty bodies, I mean heck I virtually ended up camping there with my dusted sleeping bag!" his voice chimed

"sleeping bag?, you weren't homeless at that time surely?"

"Nearly Hack, I was nearly homeless, its just that I was living with my parents in the countryside, and so I would come in for gigs traveling in on public transport. I was often too shy to ask my friends if I could stay at theirs, So I crashed where ever I could find space. so I slept on cold rusted park benches, bus stops, the train station, on the top of hills and where have you" he said with gust

"hack have you ever been bitten by an obsession so strong that it drove you to do anything to get a fix?" asked the crone daringly

"No I have not experienced anything with that kind of powerful grip" said the Hack flinching

"You see" stated the Crone

"You will do anything to feed an obsession like a live music addiction! and the Louisiana was the best venue in town. I was great to generate excitement for the up coming bands who were ready too shoot into the stratosphere" he said flinging his arms upwards

"I would do anything to feel the buzz of the pa, watery trickleing's of sweat from the steamy lights dripping off the roof" he said with his teeth Chiming

"I remember that sometimes I needed a paint stripper to remove my clothes after gigs!"

"Eugh thats revolting" said the Hack up turning hi nose

" yeah it was pretty disgusting, the words pretty damn special, you used to be able to smell me from 20 paces"

"you probably still can" laughed the hack

"trust me I made some killer stenches" he said grimacingly

"I loved the intamacey of the Louisiana, I can remember seeing the likes of the Srokes, the White Stripes, the Vines and the Scissor Sisters coming through their doors"

"really did all those bands come come through that venue?"

"Yes they sure as heel did!"

"I can remember seeing the Scissor Sisters being supported by my friends band Fortune Drive, there was only about 12 people in the audience including various members of Fortune Drive!" he stated factually

"there were only 12 people?" staggered the Hack

"Yes hack, you see this was before their supersized bombastic pop which had everyone dancing with their over the top Elton John meets David Bowie on a hyperly camp acid trip" he said with an overly enigmatic tone.

"I can remember their guitarist Del, was trying to chat up Mark, the drummer from Fortune Drive as he found him very attractive" laughed the Crone

"The Scissor Sisters played there 3 times on their way towards the top! the last of the 3 times it was ramned like sardines all crushed into a sweltering can thick with mustied sweat" he said

"They put on a really over the top performance, with tight fit skimpy costumes and feather bowers, singing in rediculous falsetto voices chirping away. well I supoes that is what should have been expected from a band that took their name from a Lesbian sex position" it was a good show though!"

"Lesbian sex position what Lesbian sex position?"

the Crone began to make shapes with his hands simulating the body positions sliding them together with open finger in scissor like shapes.

"that position"

"Oh really murmored the Hack

"They had the whole of the audience dancing from the first song right until the very last song had hit its last notes, I can even remember seeing Johnny dancing away in the audience" he laughed

"I can remember seeing this bonkers as hell Australian Glam rock band called Machine Gun Fallatio".

"there was a band called the Machine Gun Fellatio?"

"yes, they were complete bunch of nut jobs who were over this side of the world to promote their single 'Mother Fucker on a Motorcycle'

"They had a single called Mother Fucker on a Motorcycle?" questioned Hack almost spluttering with laughter

"Yep, they sure as hell did" he laughed

"They had this girl called Christine who was their support act, she used to be in an Australian version of Eurotrash!".

"Eurotrash?" puzzled Hack

"yeah you know it was a high brow entertaiment's program parodying every porno encounter, adult erotica in caberret style hummor and performances"

"that does sound very highbrow

"well basically her set did consist of a variety of knob jokes, including one song called carrot day where she preceded to sing and grate carrots all over the stage. after she had covered the stage with carrot peelings she then promptly began to fart the tune to over the rainbow!" he croaked with laughter

"How the hell did she fart the tune to over the rainbow?"

"I don't know, but each bowl moving squelch was almost perfectly pitched and lets just say that each note took a while in coming!, talk about raw gutteral talent” he chuckled

“It just goes to show what you can do with a bit of determination and perspiration”

”Their support act in question, also turned out to be one of the backing vocalists for Machine Gun Fallatio, she kept on walk on and off the stage to re-appear at random points, wearing less and less clothes until she was down to just a thong with balloons on her breasts whilst the others all looked like overly dressed extra's from Doctor Who with their gonzo glam rock bravado whilst smoke machines and bubbles were whipped across the room and the spangally glitzed up disco lights span around in giro circles” he said his eye stunned in mesmmerising memory

“Their songs were ultra sleazy, like Mother Fucker on a Motorcycle which was sung by the girl who kept on wondering on and off the stage, I can also remember the guitarist did a solo acoustic song in the encore, a nice gentle little number called ‘The Ballad of the Butt Fucking Pigeon’” laughed the Crones

“They ended the night with all the members of the band naked with Whinnie the Pooh attached to their privates with duck tape, as they ran around the audience which largely consisted of brawly australians”

“I bet Whinnie must have seen an eyeful” said the Hack braunching with laughter

“Yeah, that was one of many fun and eventful nights I have had in this here dusky old town. One other such eventful gig was when Canadian post punk misfits Les Savy Fav took on the Students Union which was up over on that hill” he said wavering his spindling finger in the direction of a hill that was covered with buildings and an empty faced street that crawled up the slope

“That there hill used to be a buzzing place full of plushly lit shops full the latest fashion feeds and café expresso for the viegne chill out spots, now it is a dusky place for the corporate whore houses!, full of steamed shriveling houses” he said huskerly

I remember when that street used to nbe a place of play and fun times with cool record shops to hangs out in where I met interesting people all the time, with unique qualities” he said with his eyes just darting past the Hack

“Its amazing to see life build up and then destroy its self, sometimes it gives people a sence of worthlessness, like myself” howled the Crone

“You are always important to someone, just remember that Crone” juddered Hack

The Crone Smirked thinly with an icy stare before sighing
“Well Les Savy Fav played at the Students Union which used to sit on the top of the hill, the promoters had made the mistake of putting on Les Savy Fav in a venue where the stage was not fixed down”

“Why what did they do?”

“Well their singer had a reputation of being a bit of a nutcase, he decided that it would be a good idea to get the crowd involved, by disassembling the stage and shoving into the audience and this was after he had stripped down to an all in one cat suit made out of really thin almost see through white lycra, poured red wine over everyone, used various audience members as mic stands whilst shoving his hands down their tops and feeling them up and deliberately electrocuting himself on stage”

“He electrocuted himself deliberate?, how or why did he do that?” puzzled the Hack

“I cant explain why Hack, I don’t quite have the mental understanding or drive to know why he would od such a thing. He electrocuted himself by unscrewing a light bulb from the low ceiling of the venue, shoving the fingers of one hand into the fittings whilst tapping a jack lead in the other hand, creating an electronic current flowing through his body”

The Crone paused and took in a deep breath “I don’t know how his body coped with the electrical current because he was not a small person”

“Wowzers” said Hack “that guy sounds like he was one too short of a case!”

“Yeah he certainly was interesting to say the least, it was like a if he just let things go hey wire" he lauded

Monday, 4 August 2008

Monday, 21 July 2008

“It is always hard to reach out to new people! that is something I have also struggled with” said Hack wrapping a comforting arm around the Crone with gingerly tone too his voice.

“It was especially hard for me being a pampered child with sever nervous difficulties and mental break downs” he shuddered

“I gradually got to know the door man, Johnny who gradually became one of my best friends. I scared him at first because of my physical presence anyone can be scared of a 6ft tall slap head. When he started to talk to me he realised he was starting to crack Chestnut and that he ought not to have been weary of me” he gestured with arms aloft and softened eyes

“He realised that I was actually a gentle person, who had a burning passion for music, I n many ways I was more nervous of him then he was of me. I found his physical presence intimidating at first” he mesmerised

“But then I realised that behind his physical presence was someone that I felt I could look up to with a certain degree of respect. He often gave me advice on how I should conduct myself with respect to his experiences” he croaked as his hair rustled in the bitter breeze

“I can remember he would tell me quite a lot of stories of his playing and tour managing experiences and I would tell him at length about the great bands I had seen. He would often state to me that if a Nat farted then I would be the first person to know about it and that if they recorded it then I would be the first person to dance to it” he smirked with a twinkle in his eye

“He always looked out for me! He saw me grow from out of the shadows of the reclusive wall I had built around me. I mean I used to be so insular that I had to invite people into my world, a crazily fucked up world in my head that people bore no resemblance for connection. I was a complete emotional void empty of knowing how to deal with my emotions!”

The Hacks face looked drawn onto the fragile body of the Crone sprawled with the Iron girders surrounding him.

“He always said that I would be a star!” breathed the Crone

“I had all the potential to make something special happen but I ended up in this degenerate mess! Surround by rusting irons and collapsing roofs” he scowled hollowly

“He said he always knew if it was a good gig if the usual suspects turned up”

“The Usual Suspects?”

“Yeah there was this group of older guys who had to have the first tickets for pretty much every good gig in town, they would often line up with me down the front, creating a suspect line of heads”

“Who did the group consist of?”

“The group consisted of myself!”

“You considered yourself to be a usual suspect?”

“Well yes, there were the 2 Dave’s, Graham, and the 2 Lee’s, each had their gawky musical obsession, I mean literally they were the first people to know about any band”

“Well anyway, Johnny, the door man for the Louisiana was the first real person I could open up to and talk about the brazenness of my realities. He was the first person I openly talked to about my operation fuck up and how the horrific nightmares from the effects of the hospital drugs had left nerve shredding marks!, I still to this day remember some of the horrific vision that I had”

“Really? What sort of nightmares?”
“There is this 1 nightmare that constantly dogs me” he spoke with a stifled tone

“I had re-a curing nightmare which was similar to the torture scene from Clockwork Orange where the keep the guys eyes open force him to watch a variety films whilst injecting him” he said glaring with sparse eyes as the Hack gulped

“With my nightmare, I thought that the doctors who were treating me were evil scientists trying to sell evil killing masks to create an army of mass killing teenagers” he chuckled

“You see when I was in hospital I had to wear this giant facial mask to help me breathing because my lounges were a bit weak, and I thought they were projecting images through the mask”

“What images?” queried the Hack

“The images in question I can not really accurately describe, but they would start with gentle images that could be perceived as nice and relaxing but gradually they would speed up getting more morbid and disturbing the longer they went on!”

“That sounds horrific!”

“eye Hack it was a horrific re-a curing dream, they tell you all about the positive effects of the drugs like Morphine but not the negatives from the side effects and how they can have devastating mental attitudes!”.

“I mean literally the speeding up of the images caused me to have near fatal nightmares! But it did help calm down my breathing!” he said shakily, his eyes riming pale blue

The Crone took a deep meaningful sigh “I also at the time began to make friends with some of the Louisiana’s bar staff on the late night lock inns at the. I found it hard to talk to the female bar staff because I had this buzzer in my head telling me to shut up” he said tapping his scalp

“I developed a real soft spot for one of the bar maids called Sammy, she was a nice hippieish girl who had a really nice aura about her, I’m a sucker for nice hippy girls”

“I can remember being in the Old Duke Pub after a gig with her sat down at a table making wire statues out of wire with a local artist. She made me a bracelet by inter twining wires. I promised her that I would never take it off as it was symbol of our friendship and the way my soft heart pounded!” he said pounding his chest.

“Did you take it off?”

“No Hack, I stayed true to my words! Because I like it when people make stuff for me, it shows that they care and I will always remember or romanticise about silly little moments like that. It stayed on my wrist for a good year or so! Until it snapped off!” he grazed

“It was disappointing that it fell to pieces because it was like letting go of a memory that had a powerful grip over me, sometimes it is hard to let go of things especially if they have any sort of sentimental value” he said with saddened tones to his voice

“Emotions are always hard to let go of with a heavy heart, because you don’t always know the impact little things can have on each other”

“Little things you do can have lasting effects as to how you can relate to others” sadi hack with agreeing sounds

“Little touches make the world go round” he said with a dazed expression on his face.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

“Was this all channelled through Manic F?” questioned Hack

“Not at first. Before Manic F I was in a band called the Recluses with my friend Dusty Ol’ Jake. We were like a double trouble tag team of the musical variety!” he said fondly

“You nether got one without the other. We put in some legendary performances, including one acoustic show where I almost ended up double exposing my raw behind to the full moon effect” he chuckled

“Some of the vocalists squirmed at the site of me and my repugnant smell. I’m like a dodgy scratch and sniff card” laughed The Crone

“We tried to play experimentalist punk but ended up droningly thudding with a bass player by the name of Mr Johnson, he was an ultra reclusive personality, he looked a bit like a fly swat but he fitted in perfectly with mine and Jakes mentality in wanting to create something that pushed with vibrancy” he took a deep breath

“He was a good bass player; he did several gigs with us including playing the Louisiana! The best live music venue in Bristol”

“I can remember playing the first gig there! We opened up for local punk type bands including White Trash Ambition who echoed all their influences including Sonic Youth and Fugazi; it was our first proper gig”

“How did your first gig go?”

“I personally was completely soiling my pants with nerves, but I think we put on an effective show1 I mean we scared the crappers out of several of the White Trash Ambition members”.

“Why was this?”

“Well they had seen all of us being nervous and shy in setting up and for them to come up the stairs to see me poised behind the drum kit in my black and White face paint screaming down the microphone, Jake in his leathers and Mr Johnson with the balaclava. We also had the American flag draped across the drum kit making big statements, or so we thought! You have also got to remember that at the time I was a skinhead with ultra freaky mentality of imagery”

“I can see how you could scare people with that look”

“I had some fun times with the Recluses even though I did make the mistake of leaving my telephone number up on a scratty little website I had set up for the band with the aim of getting further gigs. This was a bad idea” said the Crone ratcheting his voice with humorous tones.

“I got a text stalker” he yarned

“Someone, who called them self Leanne, who sent me some really crude messages!”

“How crude were the messages?” asked Hack

“They were crude enough to turn any nun blue and to make them blush like bloomers” he said making gestures with his hands.

“Each message referred to what they or it wanted to do with my sexual orphisms. I mean it was quite exciting for me considering I had never had any female interaction. For all I know she could have been telling the truth. She or it did claim to be a glamour model in her 20’s but she or it could have quite easily been a 40 year old bifter”

“It” he hollered “It started by leaving salacious messages the scratty little web site I had set up using Moonfruit, a cheapo Internet provider”.

“The messages usually consisted of how she and a friend had seen us play at the Louisiana and that she was a model but not of the clothes variety!” he said winking

“It all started so innocently and then quickly declined into absurd sexual fantasies, which lasted for about a week, it was fun whilst it lasted but it did start to get rather scary! I can even remember trying to phone her once and left her a one ringer to which she responded by sending me a text asking me the size of my manhood and what colour pants I was wearing” laughed the Crone.

“I loved the Louisiana, it had a real sense of grandeur with its old varnishing on wooden plated chairs and old style pub and the upstairs where they had bands play in sometimes sauna like conditions, because of the power driven lights generating an exciting atmosphere” the Crone said whilst pouring the stale coffee into his flask mug.

“It had a real family feeling to the place, I felt really at home there after a while” he said staunchly sipping the Coffee.

“When I first started going there I used to be a shy shadow like figure who would be down the front head banging away with my scalped head shining from the light and beads of sweat that would trickle down my fore head from the enjoyment of it all. I would just turn up at venues like the Louisiana and not say a peep to people,” he said with a slight nervous twitch in his face

“This was how I made friends with people at the venues, by turning up at their shows and being the odd one out in the audience. I used to find it hard to make friends, knowing how to extend the olive branches for connection. I always saw myself as a nuisance if I spoke!” he said puffing out his with a deep breath
“Yes I was having fun in Guildford; I liked playing up to the other students with my eccentricities. I was also a loud as heck drummer that would hammer the living daylights out of the drum kits; I broke so much equipment whilst there”

“One of the performances I had to play Paul Weller’s ‘Changing Man’ in the style of a Green Day esqu pop Punk band”

The Hack stared at the Crone blank faced.

“I see I am going to have to teach you a few things about music” he said with an impatient tone to his voice!

“Well it was frantically loud and fast! it was so frantic that the tutors were pulling facial expressions, trying to indicate when to stop for the brakes in the song!. I on the other hand misinterpreted the expressions into thinking that they wanted me to play louder and faster! So when I saw their faces I thought right you want it louder and faster” he said

“Its funny that the Wilder I played, the wilder their facial expressions were” the Crone laughed.

“there was one point where I did a flam on the snare drum and the snare bounced up out of its stand about 3 inches because I hit it with such force” he paused

“God I was a right animal with the sticks, I think I could have been endorsed by promark for playing their sticks and breaking them” he chuckled

“But when I did get the brake right for that one point you could see everyone intake a deep breath before I clattered their ears with even more frantic volume!”

“It sounds like you made quite an impression on people?”

“Yes I probably did, I used to have this attitude where I had to try and out do people with every performance I did. I made a lot of friends whilst there, but you know you make a promise to keep in touch with everyone but your flame drops because you cut yourself out of the Loop!”

“How did you cut yourself out of the loop?”

The Crone sighed “Well you know you cut yourself out of the loop both visually and eventually I lost all contact because I had moved back in with my parents in the countryside away from the Big Smoke all the way back into the wilderness”

“It was a frosty time imbetween me and my parents because I sensed there was a feeling of disappointment because they could not understand my mentality. I felt like I had drifted away from my parents” he said.

“I mean they had done things behind my back”

“What sort of things?”

“Well my parents did divide the house in two and let half the house out to some friends, luckily they were close friends because they helped to patch relationships with my dad”.

“I had a bit of a hard time battling against my Dads steely outer shell, I think he struggled to grapple with the Idea that I had learning difficulties and that I found it hard to function in the working world” he stressed in his voice

“Luckily they were close friends and they managed to help me heal my relationships with dad by acting as translators for explaining my feelings. They helped to paper up the cracks in both mine and my parents which was gaping” he said nervously his eyes darting from side to side.

“My dad obviously had feelings for the younger couple”

“I spent a year lazing on my arse munching on potato chips, watching the world pass on by!” he said with regretting tones

“So I decided to move with the help of my parents I decided to move”

“What was it like moving?” clasped the Hack

“It was unnerving because it lead to the double slap of life! You know with the NHS and stuff and my friend tragic death!”

“Things took a nasty turn after my friend had died! He left a widow and 2 kids lodging at my parents place in the countryside. This really did expose tensions imbetween my Parents relationship, causing fractures in their foundations” The Crones voice shook

“I have never really been able to fully explain the emotional tour de force that preceded his death, I kept on hearing raised voices and crashing crockery as arguments flared up and all because of my dad having feelings for the younger person” he said his voice shaking as the Hack looked on intently!

“My parents separated for a while but the rekindled their love for each other in amongst biting back stabbing words from locals. Even when I was here I could still feel the bite of blame from the words thrust around. It created a black cloud that shrouded the house”

“I was lucky that I had a way of escaping all the hostility through music”

Thursday, 17 July 2008

"mentally I was at 6ís and 7ís caused by nervous breakdowns from bad flashbacks to which I still suffer from, they can be so intense at times" he said with a wistful sense of unease bringing a shiver of emotion to both himself and Hack.

"Music is such a great way to open one's self expression' his voice rang with honesty

"If I did not have music to express myself then I would already be 6ft under. Music is such a great way to open ones expressions"

His eyes hollow upon a couple of fresh-faced kids that trudge on past sneering "Get a job!!"

'Bugger off! Bloody judgment list Kids, what was it they said?, judge others how you wish to be judged and yet they always seem to feel free to dish out judgements left right and centre with little or no response" He scalped

"Wait till they till they grow up then they might wizen up to their surroundings"

"Yeah! but some people never grew up, I mean I never really grew up properly myself. My life has been such a head rush!, yet I somehow found myself bitten in this old heap"

His voice was dazed as his eyes travelled across the Iron gurders where he used to see many riches.

"I used live in the false pretences of fame! Before all of my disturbances I was living in dissolution. I was castend off to drum school for a year where I accidentally walked into the doors of popularity" he reminisced

"I took my love of live performance with me! All you need to mention is the band Rage Against the Machine and you will send some of the tutors into dissipated sense of fear"

"Why would the mention of that bands name make the tutors scared?, or is that a stupid question?"

"Stupid questions come with stupid answers Hack! We used to have weekly sessions on performance where they would gather all the singers, guitarists, and bass players
and drummers in a little theater just around the corner from the College, which some bright spark decided to place above a pub!"

"It was excellent trade for AA centres!. I think more people spent their time in their lifting pintsized weights then they spent doing musical recreation"

"Well anyway for the performance sessions we would be given a song to learn for each session! And one session we did Rage Against the Machines angry classic Killing In The Name Of. I found the drum track a little too hard for my capabilities at the time and so I decided to give the vocals a go an try and give all the little daddies Boys and girls a lesson in how to give it some balls!'

'And you showed them some balls?'

'Hell yes!' exclaimed the Crone

"I showed them some balls alrighty!, they did make the mistake of allowing me to sing in the last group of the afternoon which they thoroughly regret now!"

"Why? What did you do?" glanced Hack with a nervous sense of caution

"Well you know how the song goes with the heavy guitar and the back beat drums"

The Hack nodded nervously with an edgy look in his eyes.

"Well when they were playing the heavy part of the intro I was jumping up and down like the clappers and getting in people faces! When the vocals first kick in, you no the
Bah, bah, bah, Bah, bah, bah" he said flailing his arms to the beat.

"Well I said Killing In The Name and head butted the microphone" he said pummelling his fist against his head.

"I went too overboard in the performance, I was smacking my head about, climbing over the students who were sat in the seats crapping themselves as I was getting right into their faces!" chirped Crone

"I virtually knocked over the drum kit scaring the crappers out of the poor drummer!, I mean the Tutors had to virtually restrain me!!. I kept on pummelling so hard that I had the Mesh imprinted on the forehead" he cackled tapping a spindly finger on his head.

"I have never seen the place empty so quickly!, I mean as soon as the performance had finished then the doors flung open!. I saw more streams of dark brownie black smoke then I saw Bodies and I never saw the tutors rush so quickly to the bar as they did then"

"Did this happen whilst you setting up your roots here?"

"No this happened in a place much nearer the big smoke, a place called the Academy of Contemporary Popular Music in the plush town of Guildford. I quickly garnered a reputation for my enthusiasm and quick whipped whit, making a few friends including a drummer called Mark who played with a band called Fortune Drive, but back then I was a right oddball style skin headed punk rocker with a thick scalp!"

'It was all so easy to stir people up!' The Crone paused to intake a deep breath as the Hack frantically scribbled.

"All it takes is to say or do something a bit extravert to either go with the flow or ruffle against the waves. I used to love ruffling against the waves to create my own streams!"

"I saw the audience as one big red shiny button with push stamped heavily all over it! So I saw it as my job as the performer to push it"

"That's a good analogy of what live music should be like!" stated the Hack

"That's what it used to be like until it became perforated with kids that were too cool for school! It is a statement that I have always abided by as a performer, I mean a soon as guitar feed back hit my ears it would trigger a switch in my head to go off with spazzmic results of Iggy Pop style proportions"

"Iggy Pop? Who is he?" questioned hack

"You don't who Iggy Pop is!". Hack shook his head!

"Fuck me!, Iggy Pop is the greatest Rock ní Roll front man ever!, He would pour heart, soul and sexually driven sweat into every performance, he gave true meanings to the words give me danger little stranger!"

"So did take much from his onstage persona?"

"Yes to a certain extent, but my sweat was not so much sexually driven just plain and turgid"î he laughed

"This was also before I discovered the use of showers and their power, so I was a stinky shaven headed, fleece wearing odd ball who managed accentuate everything in his performance".

"I was a proper weirdo. I remember doing a performance of Marilyn Mansons 'Beautiful People', with which I tried to apply the scare tactics by slabbering on lots of ridiculous face paint in paint in the shapes of crosses".

"Have you ever seen a 6ft tall slap head walk through a town covered in thick in dripping face paint and fake blood and wearing a smelly yellow dapple fleece"

"No! I can imagine you looked quite a sight" chuckled Hack

"The stunned look of awkwardness on peoples faces as I walked across town too the College. God I looked like a right mentalist!".

"When I arrived at the college I made so many people burst into fits of hysterics, I mean my friend Mark could barely sit or stand upright because he bursting with laughter so heavily. All the tutors were gawping at me"

"I also got the train back to my folks in the Countryside with the face paint still on, you can imagine what they were thinking as they picked me up from the train station!. Donít worry our son is only partially a fruit Cake!" he said in a hysterical accent

Monday, 14 July 2008

“How did you reach out to people with the use of music?” hack asked shakily

“How doe you think the Beatles or the Clash reached out to their fans?” he gauged at the Hack who remained frozen.

“Through songs! People are always touched by songs, Hack! Even you should know that” he said with a gasped expression.

“You see Hack I did not just reach out to people with written songs or spitten lyrics. I created a split personality to perform under” he said wistfully.

“I used my split personality to terrify people in the performances with my out shrieked honesty!” he squawked with his burning flinging his arms about.

“Was this the Character that people knew you for?” spoke Hack with a curious tone too his voice.

“Not many people knew me as a performer of the musical, poetic rap variety!” he said with his mannerisms calming.

“You were a rapper?” bemused Hack with a dumbfounded look on his face.

“Appearances can be deceptive Hack!” his voice rang

“I was a rapper but, I decided to keep him out of the whole flimsy plastic world of fame and how fake a pastiche it is”.

“But why keep it quiet? Hack asked as the Crone stared icily at him.

“It was too close to the bone of one mans nervelle system. Manic F was my Stage name” he paused to intake a deep breath.

“I was not your typical rapper, instead of doing the stereotypical standard prosthetic bling bling bullshit that people had got confused with hip hop music! I on the other hand decided to drive nail like words to expose one mans humanity,” he said with a sternning tone.

“Drove words into myself to uproot my personal experiences and often unsettling people because getting to close with squeamish effects!” the Crone hollered.

“I had a strong image that did not dilute from the overall effect,” he voiced grandiosely.

“What was your image and why?” pressed the disconcerting Hack with an air naivety. The Crone’s eyes shone with the flashes of reflection

“Well I wore an Orange jumpsuit, black and white face paint splattered all over my face, a cracked skull mask and painted white hat with black outlines of ears! Most of it was cobbled together from freebies giving it an unfeasibly un-trendily bizarre and scary image, god I looked ultra special,” he laughed with a darkened edge, causing the Hack to smile with a nervously.

“I had a bizarre obsession with table condiments”.

“Table Condiments?” he spluttered whilst peering at the Crone through his thick-rimmed musty glasses.

“Yes I used Tomato Ketchup to spread all over my stomach, I used it as a representative for blood” he spurned with his face twitching with the glimmering of a smile.

“I can remember doing one very eventful college at the old Thekla before it became the hip house on waters with all it’s fashionista’s and the vein teenagers all hang out trying to look cool”

“That was back in my heydays of the early 20’s. Dealing with disenchantment and spending time at Music College. I met so many people through the years of setting my stones in this place” he paused.

“At this one gig I managed to scare off the A and R department from Sony with the sheer intensity of the performance” he said with distained energy

“A&R?, what is A&R?” exclaimed Hack

“A&R stands for Artist and Repertoire, they are the people who sign the artists and they act as a representative for the for the labels” pausing for breath

“They are really slimy people, like fat slugs dripping with pure vapidity!” he said curling his tongue with sheer spite. “I mean who would want to sign to Sony nowadays, there is no money in the physical format of music anymore so your best off without them!!” the Crone commented with an informative air.

“How come you know about all this stuff?” posed Hack,

“I studied contemporary popular music and took a serious interest in the business sessions” he quipped before swigging at his stale coffee in his flask

“A&R people are some of the most fickle on the planet, I mean you present them with something out of the ordinary confrontational then they are easily scared!” he croaked “But

“But yeah I did use to cover my body in a combination of Tomato ketchup and black and white body paint, which smelt awfully nice” said the Crone with more the a hint of Irony in his voice.

“I used to try and get girls to lick it off afterwards and let’s just say it made me ultra popular”.

“Really??!!” astounded Hack.

“Of course not, it made me as popular as a virulent bout of salminella, yeah they liked it when it got saucy” his voice crackled with laughter.

“But at that one gig the A&R men for Sony turned up just as I was sparking up my performance, I had them bottling themselves within seconds, I could see a stream of brown smoke of where they were standing. It is amazing what you can do with a bit of real life aggression here, a bit of ketchup squirting here all rolled up with the black and white face paint. Does the job of scaring people good and proper” the Gleamed

“But in all seriousness I did use Manic F as a way of dealing with my personal issues” he said lowering his voice

Thursday, 10 July 2008

“What would draw their attentions to a young spirit like yourself” poised Hack.

“People are always flamed by those with good distinctions Hack,” he said before pausing to take a swig of the stale coffee in the flask.

“I made my marks by setting floors alight too the sounds of music that used to embezzle all the youth with the cool spouts, posing in pretences of fashion and their stale cardboard personas”.

“So by being such a clown you drew upon the love of many?” The Crone spluttered with spittle and coffee flying everywhere, covering the Hack.

“No, love never really happened for me, even though I had a lot of affections, I could never get past the buzzer in my head the would keep on pining me down as a fool” he mumbled with a muffled tone.

“I met some integrating people whose fascinations in me would burn around my very existence” he said with his mind breezing through his memories, his flitting eyes trickled off into the distance.

“I was one who burned the candles at both ends, fracturing the publicity of many a musical brand that counted amongst the croppers!” his voice almost burst.

“I was seen as a saviour for people with taste! I would plaster the walls of ears with the latest tips for sounds and how waves upon waves of faces would scream words of no relations to my bearings” he echoed with confused expressions in his voice

“Words like legend and celebrity are words that after a while changed me into an overly zealous character people made out of me”.

Hack paused before frantically scribbling down the Crones words.

“It is easy to get carried away when everybody seems to suck up to this fraud like character” his voice stiffened with a sense of prevailing frustration.

“I used to try and fight the fame bug, but I got bitten once too many” he sighed with a sense of retirement in his voice.

“I used to dance on many a stage, videos splattering my face across the media fronts” he paused

“Sometimes if you believe your own hype it can

affect the way you think”.

“Those are none too true a words,” the Hack said knowingly.

“It is these little words of warning that I will make aware to you Hack,” he said firmly.

“With me it all got pretty obsessive, I even had people building shrines in my name, constant flattery would batter and bate me” he yarned.

“It was at this point when things started to peel and fall apart to pieces” he paused to intake a deep swig of the earthly coffee. “I got too the point where I needed looking after”.

“In what way did you need looking after?” questioned Hack. The Crone Glared at him

“You ever had stalkers Hack? you ever felt the breath of threat Hack?, have you been hated by an entire community Hack?” his voice grew with an intense swelling anger to which Hack limply replied with a wimpish “no”.

“You see Hack! People can change just like the wind, one moment they can be blowing for you and the next they can washing against you, all it needs is a little quip in print here, a bit of misfortune there and with a good dollop of misinformed spewing” he quoted.

“I had to get myself some management to look after the circus of my life! The management in question helped to sort out the business! He always dealt the deadingly punches, pushing me into routines of flashing cameras, mic’s forced into my ailing face and the finances that he dealt with” he said with his dustied eyebrows flaking on the uplifting arches

“I met many people that made my fibre flamed heartburn, I got scorned by the tails with their stings which scolded me with burning scars” he said whilst staring with a certain amount of disparity.

“I got caught trying to spread myself! Being to many things to many public eyes, drawing neglect on those I should have been more tentative in my actions to those I left alone! I should not have let myself be driven by the green monsters behind these eyes,” he said with his voice almost breaking.

“I was so lucky because I had the love of an overly supportive family and I lost that! I lost it against the better judgements of my characteristics” he said with his eyes rimming circles.

“My parents” he paused with a stiffening sigh

“My parents set the stones and mortar for my foundations and gave me financial support which I bled dry and their love turned stone cold!” as his eyes seemed to drift past the Hack in a hazy daydreamed state that he almost seemed lost in.

“I was not the son they expected me to be! I never quite developed in the same way or speed of others. I had an extensive imagination that quite literally alienated me from others” he paused for a stony breath “I often had to invite people into my mental space” he said tapping his head with his spindly finger.

“Humans aren’t all wired the same, some will think I have loose wires” he pause for another intake of breath. “But I had shocks that shook me into place mentally!”

The Hack looked at the pale faded Crone sprawled on the floor becoming even more enthralled by the unravelling words being spun by the Crone’s voice.

“In what way were you shocked? And how did your mentality change?” enquisited Hack.

“Have you ever experienced death? Hack?, Have you ever been re-borne Hack? Because you see Hack I was re-borne, because you see Hack” stated The Crone

“I was re-borne for a good man to make the grave” he paused with an icy silence before continuing “When you have a double whammy of slaps that landed like a serious blow, draining tears of blood”.

His eyes were shaking with streams of emotional water works. The Hack passes out a tissue to try and sponge up the Crones tears. “I lost a friend and a supporter, that gradually shook my roots! Because I heard voices bite out at me, and my family. You see I did originate from these grounds!”

He said wistfully “I uprooted from the country where words travel fast! Peoples yakking mouths can be, quite an evil weapon because teeth can be like daggers,” He said mopping his tears.

“What was it that drew you to this place?” voiced the Hack as the Crones dewy eyes were relocating his history.

“I moved in on this place because of the music, which is something that has always been a driving fire of mine” moped the Crone.

“I burned my passions through rhythmic palpitation’s that I learned to play on the drums” his voice seemed a bit distant in dream mode.

“I was drawn by the whole community atmosphere and the buzz of a city life that I was hidden away from” spoke the Crone.

“I never used to be any good at socialising but that was gradually broken down and fleshed out” he twitched with a slight nervous air to his voice.

“When I lost my friend it was like loosing a vital piece of puzzle that completely fell to pieces” cried his voice

“I mean it was even worst because I had merely just recovered from near death!”

“Do tell me old Crone?” hampered the Hack,

“Do tell you what?” croaked the Crone.

“How You Nearly Died?”

“I was put into a Coma whilst under the knife to deal with my appendix,” sighed the Crone

“Bloody NHS bodge job” he moaned.

“I was nearly 6ft under because of one persons blunder,” he said raising one finger in the air.

“One simple in and out operation ended up with me spending 3 days unconscious and 4 in intensive care, that really helped to sort my head out”.

“How did it sort your head out?” puzzled Hack who raised his eyebrows fixating the stare on the Crone.

“How?” grumbled the Crone “I realised that I was not happy as the person that I was, so hence I gradually opened up to the beats and voices of music! I have always used music as a way to reach out to people” he shuddered.

Sunday, 22 June 2008


In the burning faces laid into the stone faced rocks, a man sits settled into the dusted dawns, swigging from a flask whilst swiping settling dust off his charcoaled face. Croaking in the freshened light of dawn, his iron ridged mouth creaks with the yawning movements. The creeping willows of the house in the wooden stains where he perched on a brick wall as the breeze rustled his hair. Staring bleary-eyed at the passers-by who yell out various abuses.
"You young hounds", he growled.

"You old crone", they sneer.

"You ain't worth your salts." His bitter face was scared through the rough histories of his many years.

In his past pretences, he was the popular guy, set around the flash wooded town where he had set his stone and mortar. His popularity had spread through the constant flashing of his face in print, with people screaming for all the poses. His flash persona was in ruins for he had lived a life of too much toughness. He was drawn to tatters by those of his attractions, he was always easily persuaded by a nice smile and a gentle touch and subtle tones in people's voices.

Where as now he was barely a shadow of his past. Living in the rough ended shelters in amongst sharded roofs of a fallen building site, where rusting irons curled for roofing. Hitting the all-time low after rough rides. With others he had his heart torn.

Like the Devil Wearing Prada, in the strutting. In his fuzzing face with the flashings rattling in the pale blue eyes, which almost echoed the colours of oysters being rustled by the curly shards of hairs that hung over his face draping his arched nose that drew in air.

The glitz that tore his face of public perception, moving on the devilish diamonds that the strutter flushed in his eyes, tip toe up to the ear and gently whispering softened notes to the pleasing sound of the love strains "I am desire, you can catch" from all forms of pleasantries that would flock him in mass crowds trying to drag his eyes across to their strutting sides. Shrieking out the shines of photo snaps taken on the digitalised visions posing in all the auspicious ways, slabbering his eye with the quick-lensed flashes. The twinkling of the 'ere mate let's have snap with the bolstering grabs and flashings. He took pride in introducing himself to many a new person and describing his charismatic eccentricities that had given him many stories.

And now he was torn in torrid's where his once glazing now lay dull like the greyness of stone with the cold hearted edge and frosted hair that was once curled with blondish life now shivered with the dead white filed in hollow strands. Skeletal dropping like leaves, ears pieced with the untonely hums that ring in his shell-like drums.

The old pounding of stilettos that clacked in his face in stumbled rhythms from the outward marauding in the socialite centres whiskering past the decrepit floor men simpering in the cardboard under the rusting irons, curling whimpered in the swampy damp bag. His once clean clothes now clung with a sticky stench like thick wallpaper. The torrential issues spread themselves amongst the Big Issue papers. Leading the double clenched lives one of the outward cases stacking in the Bevies of Beauties polishing up on his old gentleman-like, calming the dogs that hounded him with the predadicIal stereotypes where there was once a curly beard in which twizzels were rooted, now lay a chevelled rough chin.

The flask he held was staling too the cold air, containing the ageing smoulder of the coffee, dropping a brisk feeling on the steely shell that coated the flask.

The red top rags that had been splashing his face upon their front pages were now nothing but well washed chip papers that scattered all of the town’s floors. Trampling in the muddied paths of his life and some of the miss-placed steps he had taken leading to the unfortunate down turns which had been his Achilles heel.

For long gone were the ringing phones from student hacks trying to scoop out the fleshy stories for their glossy dressed papers. The chaperones into popularity were now replaced by a neatly placed hat for the begging coppers of the shrapnel from the passing purses, waiting for the all too distant hands of kindness to break their money banks so they could drop some clinking jingle jangles into the flattened hat.

His bewildered stares bled into the flurried faces that would sneer a vigilante of colourful abrasives delivered with poisoned razor like tongues. Trickling brazen cuts braking the plastered skin, which was flaking off in grated patches, scurving itches pulling up in rashes. The waging of stories in exchange for coinage from new faces, often relinquishing tales of his past extravagances replacing his name with those that would describe his characteristics, so he could make them seen just that bit more un-conceivable to be true.

He looked up and noticed a new face of a young man that was peering at him from above a thick pad where he was hastily scribbling frantic notes.
“Hack!” croaked the old man staring up at the young pretender.

“I have seen many stars, Hack!” he said in a spite filled sense of vigour “I can show you the stars in exchange for some leaden coins”.

The young hack leaned forward “I never believe stories from scraggled old crones…” he paused before slightly retracting by stretching his hand into his neatly pressed trousers producing a handful of gleaming coppers. The old mans eyes flashed with rare sight of coins. “Because tales are from your wives,” he chortled before dropping coins into the hat.

“I have never trusted you hacks!” he muttered dismissively as he heard the clanging of the coins, “You can twist the mouths of even the sternest horses! Too castrate or debate with the poisoned pen!”

The hack just stared at him flinchingly through thick-rimmed musty coloured glasses and neatly pressed clothes with his hair brushed to one side, parting with the hair swooping placed above his fore head. Staring at the stark contrast that was the Crone.

“I was once a young buck like your self” he said with a slight relaxed tone in his voice.
“You think you know it all at your age and whatever happens can’t hurt you!” he said shifting his weight gingerly “But there are always dogs that are willing to bite at your Achilles heel” he aired on the side of caution whilst clasping the flask tightly.

“My face was all over your rags,” he echoed whilst flailing his finger at the hack, “My face! You see this face!” he said flailing his finger in the hacks bemused face. “This face was once blotted all over your inked chip papers, I used to be in all the top rags”.

Hack just stood poised almost motionless staring at the pointed tip of the crone’s spindly finger.

“Your face can tell a thousand stories!” the hack said with an almost simpering tone as the Crone stared at him with an icy cold glare.

“What interest do you have in me?” he looks at the hack scribbling away on his pad. The young Hack paused with his eye’s buzzing with thought

“There is many ways I can answer that question!” he mumbled. “I guess I saw something that made you more defined as a subject!” “Defined?” crowed the bemused Crone “What do I have to define myself against?” he said with a questionable energy.

“I am who I am, there is no point in abusing that words definition! I mean would it be abused to compare you to I Hack? Because we are all different Hack! Some of our wiring maybe the same but it is how we treat the wiring that makes us different!”

The Hack paused sucking and nibbling on the end of his pen, trying to figure out his next question. “So, if you really were printed on our pages like the King amongst rags, then how did you end up amongst the decrepit street urchins?”

The Crone looked down at the floor “I got bitten by the stars with the flashing clicks that blinded me” he said with a sighing tone. “Its like I said when your young you tend to think you are invincible” he paused to take a deep breath.

“It’s a long haul to the top but one short trip and you tumble right down, a bit harsh I know, but the truth is not always gentle!”

“I became this personality that the real me hid behind in its shadow” explained the Crone with a suppressed breath

“This persona turned me into a monster of cartoon like proportions. All the care was sucked out of me and replaced by a thick Glossy goo which filled all the gloss dross magazines with their latest snaps”.

“So what was it that brought about your downfall?” poised the Hack

“Was it Drink? Drugs? Money? Women?” asked Hack in inquisitive motion.

The Crone furrowed his brow “Drink and Drugs never tempered with my temptations” he drawled “ Where as my eyes became flittered with the green that occasionally wafted in my direction, but it always sprinted out faster then your petty mind could ever imagine. You see I was someone who was seen at all the right places at the right time. I would often hear spasmodic shrieks of my name from little madams that I gave big hugs to for their piccies,” he said with his arms flailing to make gestures.

“Money was never much of an object for me” he sighed. “But those madams on the other hand, as soon as you attract the attentions of one, you get the attentions of all”.