Wednesday, 27 August 2008

"I can remember the tour started up in Manchester it was like a mad trolley dash around the countryside, they played the Roadhouse, it was a one man and his dog type show where they were miss cast as the headliners with a dodgy funk rock band"

"We ended up staying at a fans house, she spent most of the night staring at me going, your mad you are! She said shaking her head with disbelief. We spent most of the next day mucking around in toyshop posing with various puppets and trying to plug the bands debut ep to varying record shops before we made the manic dash across the penines to our next show that was in Leeds” he said with be mused excitement

“Sprinting across the peniegns in our little transit, it felt like we were being illegal immigrant smugglers stuffing 2 of the members in the back as we rattled along roads with deftdifying drops steeping on beautiful views”

“Some of the views are amazing but it did at times feel like we were on a cable car dangling over the edge doing break neck speeds along narrow roads with the feeling of death haunting us if we made one little slip up”

“We arrived into Leeds in one piece with the singer and guitarist in quite disgruntled moods as they had been thwacked around in the back of the van with all the bands as the bass player had been driving the van in almost a daredevil like fashion” he paused murmerously

“The next day we then set off for Liverpool where we due to be playing the legendary Cavern club but the promoter had for unknown reasons cancelled the gig and after many hours of listening to him wheez down the phone ‘Um er sorry mate double booking’ and scraping together any excuse possible he could grasp out of thin air!”

“So what did you?”

“Well we decided to head out too where we were staying for the evening which happened to be the house of the drummers girlfriend’s parents who lived in the plush area of the whirral just outside of Liverpool” he said taking a couple of swigs from the ever staling coffee

“We rolled on up to a big plush mansion like guest house where they lived, her step mum is one the creepiest women I have ever met, it felt like a tenuous seen from Meet the Parents like scenarios”

“The inducing feelings that ran through out the night of self homigenable jokes that she spluttered out over the table where we were huddling around food”

“They managed to persuade the band into giving an acoustic performance of some of their songs infront of the family whilst we all lounged in the mamouth sized front room and literally the whole family was there including the grand mother”


“Yes it was the whole family, so we were all sat on sofa’s in the front room listening to the band, we were all spread all over 3 mega huge sofas, I was sat imbetween the drummers girlfriend and her step mum when the step mum looked at my big clumping boots, before making the most cringe worthy reference too the size of my manhood hood. At this point I sensed that both me and the drummers girlfriend, wanted the sofa we were sat on to eat us up as I could feel myself shrinking inch by into sofa and seeing the drummers girlfriend disappear into the cushions with pure embarrassment”

“I can imagine it being quite cringe worthy”

“Well it was quite a picture, with the step mum sat one end me in the middle and the drummers girlfriend the other side of me, there was a definite slope accruing. The step mum managed to give me nightmares all night! I mean I don’t mind it when some people hit on me, just not when they are about double or triple my age” he cringed

“I can imagine it being quite uncomfortable!”

“Quite uncomfortable! That was a bit of an understatement considering both mine and the drummers girlfriends and my heads were lit up like blood red coloured turnips”

“The next day I managed to be waken by the wafering smells of the full English being stoked up on an outside bbq, the watering mouth and chundering hunger in my stomach meant that I was able to put up with the step mums insessentness for a few more hours before we offloaded on the road towards Nottingham which was the final date of our Northern miss adventures” he said informatively

“I had a couple of days off to nurse my funds which were in desperate need of nursing as I had been bleeding funds like as if I was a leach sucking blood out everything until it was bone dry”

“They then came and invaded the south west, including my house”

“What was that like?”

“It was like a call to arms at times with all the band members squabbling taking the rip! As they all had to sleep with each other crushed in compact rooms, swapping sofas and the big double bed between them night after night. At times it felt a bit like chicken coupe” he laughed

“The first of the dates in the south west was in Bath’s legendary Moles Club, in the days off I had been planning a decidedly dodgy publicity stunt that involved me, a pair of boxers, some Duck tape and a Superman T-shirt!”

“Why did you use those props?”

“well I had this clever idea to help the band out do the other bands by joining the band onstage for the last song and performing a Superman strip, that would leave me in my boxers with the initials of the band written across my stomach in duck tape”

“Did it work?”

“To a certain extent as if in making me look like a stupid dick, so I joined them onstage and when whipping off my t-shirt to do the great reveal, it flew off so did some of the duck tape” he said his voice pickling with flakey laughter

“So you can imagine it me stood there in my smudging boxers with random strips of duck tape hanging from my full barreled keg of a stomach, I was too impressive for a tanked up 6 pack! My spots were too sexy for it!”

The Hack laughed

“I used Bath as bit of a warm up for what I wanted to use as the masterpiece! Which was Bristol on this home turf, where WYYN were playing the Louisiana with locals the Franco’s, who were Bristol’s answer to the Coral and a histronically bloated pop tartted goth Girl Wanna be called Betty Curse” he said eye’s running up and down

“We being me and the band arrived at the venue on time and loaded in our gear before wandering around the City. We later returned to the venue to find Betty Curse and co outside smugly talking like as if they owned the place as we passed them by! I did try talking to her but she had all the personality of a wax work”

“She virtually suffocated us in the dressing room with her 25 cans of hair spray, seriously talk about glossing yourself with a virtual Loreal endorsement, basically she was a walking, talking Loreal advert! Also she mimed her performance” sain the Crone

“She mimed her performance?” bemused Hack “Why would she do that?”

“Well she did, her manager turned up with a midi player that he plugged into the mixing desk with all the levels set so it sounded crystal clear. It was utterly bemusing, the guitars were playing when the guitarists weren’t even plugged into the amps, drums were playing at different times and there was this horrendous faux par Organ sound to give it that oh she’s an authentic goth like tone!” he said with more then a hint of sarcasm in his voice

“So naturally We Yes You No followed up and blew her and the Loreal sponsorship out of the venue with their brand sweet and dark psych pop music, by the time the band had hit the stage I was ready to do the Superman strip for real! The drummer had given me his orange boiler suite to wear” he stated

“We Yes You No had this image of all of them wearing orange boiler suites, which suited their laid back triped out sounds”

“I remember the venue being particularly hot and sweaty that night, I was already sweating like a dog when I was getting ready to perform the magic strip!”
“And was it Magic?”
“Well it was not so much magic as it was special!, the heat was so much that all the tape pealed off and flew into the audience leaving me with my stark belly wobbling up and down thickly greased with sweat and people trying to drag down my boxers” he laughed
“it was not quite the same spectacle I had intended it to be. Thou the audience did squirm at my guseted stomach bulging with red spotted sweat of endeverment!” he sparked as the Hacks face squirmed

“As you can imagine the audiences reaction was completely nonplused and puzzled as to why such a brawldy man should reveal himself in such a way, running around in his grundies hollering out the lyrics in my un-tuneful voice leaving the crowd a bit dazed” her sighed

“ofcourse all the crowd were really there to see the Franco’s, who paved their way with easy on the ear tunes trying to almoste replicate the scouser pop sound of the La’s and the Coral”

“This was not the Only time I got comfortable in my undies, my reputation for doing such a stunt took me far and wide” he croked

“Really?, How far did it take you?”

“It took me onto American TV”

“What? Dancing in your underpants?” spluttered the Hack
“yes it was for a tv show called Project Myworld, which was a hideous show” he paused before going on

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