"I can remember the tour started up in Manchester it was like a mad trolley dash around the countryside, they played the Roadhouse, it was a one man and his dog type show where they were miss cast as the headliners with a dodgy funk rock band"

"We ended up staying at a fans house, she spent most of the night staring at me going, your mad you are! She said shaking her head with disbelief. We spent most of the next day mucking around in toyshop posing with various puppets and trying to plug the bands debut ep to varying record shops before we made the manic dash across the penines to our next show that was in Leeds” he said with be mused excitement

“Sprinting across the peniegns in our little transit, it felt like we were being illegal immigrant smugglers stuffing 2 of the members in the back as we rattled along roads with deftdifying drops steeping on beautiful views”

“Some of the views are amazing but it did at times feel like we were on a cable car dangling over the edge doing break neck speeds along narrow roads with the feeling of death haunting us if we made one little slip up”

“We arrived into Leeds in one piece with the singer and guitarist in quite disgruntled moods as they had been thwacked around in the back of the van with all the bands as the bass player had been driving the van in almost a daredevil like fashion” he paused murmerously

“The next day we then set off for Liverpool where we due to be playing the legendary Cavern club but the promoter had for unknown reasons cancelled the gig and after many hours of listening to him wheez down the phone ‘Um er sorry mate double booking’ and scraping together any excuse possible he could grasp out of thin air!”

“So what did you?”

“Well we decided to head out too where we were staying for the evening which happened to be the house of the drummers girlfriend’s parents who lived in the plush area of the whirral just outside of Liverpool” he said taking a couple of swigs from the ever staling coffee

“We rolled on up to a big plush mansion like guest house where they lived, her step mum is one the creepiest women I have ever met, it felt like a tenuous seen from Meet the Parents like scenarios”

“The inducing feelings that ran through out the night of self homigenable jokes that she spluttered out over the table where we were huddling around food”

“They managed to persuade the band into giving an acoustic performance of some of their songs infront of the family whilst we all lounged in the mamouth sized front room and literally the whole family was there including the grand mother”

“Really”

“Yes it was the whole family, so we were all sat on sofa’s in the front room listening to the band, we were all spread all over 3 mega huge sofas, I was sat imbetween the drummers girlfriend and her step mum when the step mum looked at my big clumping boots, before making the most cringe worthy reference too the size of my manhood hood. At this point I sensed that both me and the drummers girlfriend, wanted the sofa we were sat on to eat us up as I could feel myself shrinking inch by into sofa and seeing the drummers girlfriend disappear into the cushions with pure embarrassment”

“I can imagine it being quite cringe worthy”

“Well it was quite a picture, with the step mum sat one end me in the middle and the drummers girlfriend the other side of me, there was a definite slope accruing. The step mum managed to give me nightmares all night! I mean I don’t mind it when some people hit on me, just not when they are about double or triple my age” he cringed

“I can imagine it being quite uncomfortable!”

“Quite uncomfortable! That was a bit of an understatement considering both mine and the drummers girlfriends and my heads were lit up like blood red coloured turnips”

“The next day I managed to be waken by the wafering smells of the full English being stoked up on an outside bbq, the watering mouth and chundering hunger in my stomach meant that I was able to put up with the step mums insessentness for a few more hours before we offloaded on the road towards Nottingham which was the final date of our Northern miss adventures” he said informatively

“I had a couple of days off to nurse my funds which were in desperate need of nursing as I had been bleeding funds like as if I was a leach sucking blood out everything until it was bone dry”

“They then came and invaded the south west, including my house”

“What was that like?”

“It was like a call to arms at times with all the band members squabbling taking the rip! As they all had to sleep with each other crushed in compact rooms, swapping sofas and the big double bed between them night after night. At times it felt a bit like chicken coupe” he laughed

“The first of the dates in the south west was in Bath’s legendary Moles Club, in the days off I had been planning a decidedly dodgy publicity stunt that involved me, a pair of boxers, some Duck tape and a Superman T-shirt!”

“Why did you use those props?”

“well I had this clever idea to help the band out do the other bands by joining the band onstage for the last song and performing a Superman strip, that would leave me in my boxers with the initials of the band written across my stomach in duck tape”

“Did it work?”

“To a certain extent as if in making me look like a stupid dick, so I joined them onstage and when whipping off my t-shirt to do the great reveal, it flew off so did some of the duck tape” he said his voice pickling with flakey laughter

“So you can imagine it me stood there in my smudging boxers with random strips of duck tape hanging from my full barreled keg of a stomach, I was too impressive for a tanked up 6 pack! My spots were too sexy for it!”

The Hack laughed

“I used Bath as bit of a warm up for what I wanted to use as the masterpiece! Which was Bristol on this home turf, where WYYN were playing the Louisiana with locals the Franco’s, who were Bristol’s answer to the Coral and a histronically bloated pop tartted goth Girl Wanna be called Betty Curse” he said eye’s running up and down

“We being me and the band arrived at the venue on time and loaded in our gear before wandering around the City. We later returned to the venue to find Betty Curse and co outside smugly talking like as if they owned the place as we passed them by! I did try talking to her but she had all the personality of a wax work”

“She virtually suffocated us in the dressing room with her 25 cans of hair spray, seriously talk about glossing yourself with a virtual Loreal endorsement, basically she was a walking, talking Loreal advert! Also she mimed her performance” sain the Crone

“She mimed her performance?” bemused Hack “Why would she do that?”

“Well she did, her manager turned up with a midi player that he plugged into the mixing desk with all the levels set so it sounded crystal clear. It was utterly bemusing, the guitars were playing when the guitarists weren’t even plugged into the amps, drums were playing at different times and there was this horrendous faux par Organ sound to give it that oh she’s an authentic goth like tone!” he said with more then a hint of sarcasm in his voice

“So naturally We Yes You No followed up and blew her and the Loreal sponsorship out of the venue with their brand sweet and dark psych pop music, by the time the band had hit the stage I was ready to do the Superman strip for real! The drummer had given me his orange boiler suite to wear” he stated

“We Yes You No had this image of all of them wearing orange boiler suites, which suited their laid back triped out sounds”

“I remember the venue being particularly hot and sweaty that night, I was already sweating like a dog when I was getting ready to perform the magic strip!”
“And was it Magic?”
“Well it was not so much magic as it was special!, the heat was so much that all the tape pealed off and flew into the audience leaving me with my stark belly wobbling up and down thickly greased with sweat and people trying to drag down my boxers” he laughed
“it was not quite the same spectacle I had intended it to be. Thou the audience did squirm at my guseted stomach bulging with red spotted sweat of endeverment!” he sparked as the Hacks face squirmed

“As you can imagine the audiences reaction was completely nonplused and puzzled as to why such a brawldy man should reveal himself in such a way, running around in his grundies hollering out the lyrics in my un-tuneful voice leaving the crowd a bit dazed” her sighed

“ofcourse all the crowd were really there to see the Franco’s, who paved their way with easy on the ear tunes trying to almoste replicate the scouser pop sound of the La’s and the Coral”

“This was not the Only time I got comfortable in my undies, my reputation for doing such a stunt took me far and wide” he croked

“Really?, How far did it take you?”

“It took me onto American TV”

“What? Dancing in your underpants?” spluttered the Hack
“yes it was for a tv show called Project Myworld, which was a hideous show” he paused before going on

“Yeah he certainly was interesting to say the least, it was like a if he just let things go hey wire pressing every mental button until he blitzed himself. He is the sort of person who would on and off from balcony’s at gigs, often hanging himself from perilously close to the edge”

“The venue did have a low ceiling and the singer from Les Savy Fav was able to just reach up to the light bulb with ease, the entirety of the crowd was swelling goading him on to do crazier things as the venue just erupted into 1 mass moshpit surging forward from the off”

The crone took in a deep hardy breath and sighed with blustering tones

"Fun times they were!" he reminisced “fun times they were!”

"That was back when people started to like me," exhausted the Crone.

"And just before people started sucking up to me like preposterous flies hiding sharks teeth," he said, his voice soaring.

"Sometimes I had to put on fake plastic smiles, which really hurt because there was no one that I really felt I could reach out to when I needed them. I just felt that I was being an inconvenience," he said, stifling sniffles. "You see I suffer with chronic sadness, like manic depression, often sparked off by severe nervous flashback of nastiness", he scorned.

"These could come across in a flash and have lasting effects, destroying any blocks of confidence with which I built. I had a lot of people claim to like me." He paused for a stiffening breath.

"Some of them were truthful and others had deceitful shark-like teeth." "Shark-like teeth?" posed the Hack.

"Yeah, you know, evil little voices that spread falsified rumors, printing them out like facts. Even though they are prickly lies." Crone's voice grew with brightening allegations.

"What allegations did you have thrown in your direction?" Hack spoke with a broken sense of edginess.

"Well, I had someone claim that I was a sexual deviant who molested girls who were intoxicated. I mean, do I look like a molester?" He scrawled with his eyes bulging red with rage.

The Hack mawkishly stated "I don't know what a molester looks like." "Exactly", he fumed.

"I have never molested anyone and I would never dream of doing so." He breathed heavily.

"I mean answer me this Hack, how sexually deviant is a fucking virgin?" His voice risen pure rage burning frustration as the Hack pondered with the awe of shock.

"At this point, I decided to hunt down those sharks who hid behind plastic facades that swarm around in the pool of humanity! Giving an unerring sense of shame upon that castigated cutting wires, which he soldered on my name!" He scowled with darkening scars in his voice.

"I mean if you are going to make up a lie about me then at least make it entertaining. Like when one guy who tried to claim to all my friends that I was homeless," he said. "Now that was a good lie", he started.

"At least make the lies unbelievable and not attacking some parts of my private life!" He screwed his voice tightly

“You know the term sticks and stones will brake my bones but words will never hurt me! Well sometimes those words can be like sharp blades cutting against my skin!”

“You see Hack sometimes people paint you on a peddle stall just to poke at you because you are seen to be in the public eye!”

“Sometimes people can say very insensitive things” said the Hack sensitively

The Crone Shrugged “I just wished that people would think before the commit to print because firing off like stray dogs I would quite happily put them to the sword” his voice became untangled with frustration

“You see I never had much luck when it came to love, I developed crushes on people, you know like you always do”.

“I have only been kissed a number of times, it is only recently that I have had any sort of confidence when it comes to girl’s, I have only slept in the same bed as one girl”.

“Really?”

“Yes Hack, the girl in question was called Carly, I had a crush on her for quite a while and she is still someone that I have a big gewy like soft spot for, because she was the first person to call me beautiful and actually mean it!, usually when people called me beautiful then I thought they were joking, where as I could kind of being honest with me. Is it sad for me to still be reminiscing about someone that I had or still have a tenderness for?”

“No old man, it is no sad thing because it shows that you cared enough, many people I know reminisce about love”.

“Of course nothing really came of it because I had the voices in my head telling me off and I had this mental fear that somehow I would contrive to fuck things up. So love never really happened for me!”

“Sometimes you have to trust yourself, and know how to go with your feelings”

“That is something I have never had any confidence in because I was afraid that I might scare people off with my voice, sometimes I could not stomach words because of nerves that were triggered off in my head” he sighed

“It is almost like as if I have a skitzophrenic condition, this has labored me with many things like an internal anxiety, sometimes being affecting my moods with at times wild swings”

“Its hard because I cared or tried to care for so many people, its like I over exposed myself because I wanted to be loved and at times I needed the mental security even just someone to hug for a bit warmth for my soft hearted soul” he muttered

“I mean I can even remember my first kiss, it is a moment that that forever changed my views on life. I was at my friends ep launch down in London” he paused

“They were a band called We Yes You No, who did tripped out lofi indie pop in the vein of Granddaddy and Pavement. They were the ultimate European immigration band, their singer was a raving mad hippieised Swedish vegan who had to complain about why the world is not vegan! The guitarist was Israeli and forever getting into debates about the state of world politics, the bass player was a boll shy Italian and the drummer was the only vaguely English and I say he was vaguely English because he hailed from the Isle of Wight, which is not technically England!”

“That sounds like quite an eclectic mix of personalities”

“yeah they were an eclectic bunch of nut jobs, which I had quite a few experiences of the drummers random moods, the guitarists rat arsed views on politics and the bass players pornched out humor add too that the singers amateur dramatics and Operatic whining for near constant want of perfection, you had quite an eclectic group hotch potched Europeans”

“Well anyway I was at their ep launch, the band asked me to join them onstage for the last song, too which I jumped at the opportunity! Whilst onstage I had noticed a gaggle of very attractive young girls. I had noticed that one very cute blonde girl was staring right at me and so I decided to mime the chorus of the song whilst staring right into her eyes. The chorus had the line I am Superman, so I decided to lean off the stage and point at her getting eye to eye contact”

“God, that sounds well romantic”

“Well that’s the sort of person I am, I crave romance! I was brought up in a very loving environment and was taught to respect others unlike some of the youth of today” the Crone shuddered

“But yeah my first sexual experience happened after the band had played and the dj hit the decks, I hit the dance floor. Said blonde girl and friends joined me soon after to dance the night away. I allowed said blonde and her friends to share in the wearing of my plush trilby hat that I had with me and pretend to be cowgirls and cowboys. Right at the end of the night one of the girl’s friends returned my hat and the next thing I knew I was spun and the blonde girl I had been dancing with jumped onto me pining me to the bar where I was standing”

“How did you feel at the time?”

“I was shocked, I mean, I did not know what she saw in a n ugly git like me! So, yeah I was completely taken back by that beauty”
“Did you get her name?”

“My nerves kept on playing up on me so I was too shy, I was scared that my voice would frighten her and the music was so loud that spittle would fly out because of my lisp. So yeah, that was a major moment for me, because it took something like that to realize that people liked me for being me and that girls might find me attractive because I stood out from the crowd. Yet I think I was pretty ugly, but it just goes to show some people look beyond image and into the personality that lies behind them”.

“That is true!”

“That was not the last of my escapade’s with We Yes You No, I went on a 2 week tour with the band”

“How was that?”

“Well it was like a mega crash course to a dodgy EU convention, full of dodgy driving, the bass players dodgy one liners winding up the singer”

"But in all seriousness I did love it in the Louisiana, the owners were a married couple, Giovanni and Mary Schillache and their son Mig rented out the upstairs space for gigs. It was a really a great atmosphere"

"It sound like it was the perfect place for you!' gestured the hack

'It was like a home from home for me, the nice intimate space to see fast rising bands drench themselves in sticky sweat in-front of 120-160 sweaty bodies, I mean heck I virtually ended up camping there with my dusted sleeping bag!" his voice chimed

"sleeping bag?, you weren't homeless at that time surely?"

"Nearly Hack, I was nearly homeless, its just that I was living with my parents in the countryside, and so I would come in for gigs traveling in on public transport. I was often too shy to ask my friends if I could stay at theirs, So I crashed where ever I could find space. so I slept on cold rusted park benches, bus stops, the train station, on the top of hills and where have you" he said with gust

"hack have you ever been bitten by an obsession so strong that it drove you to do anything to get a fix?" asked the crone daringly

"No I have not experienced anything with that kind of powerful grip" said the Hack flinching

"You see" stated the Crone

"You will do anything to feed an obsession like a live music addiction! and the Louisiana was the best venue in town. I was great to generate excitement for the up coming bands who were ready too shoot into the stratosphere" he said flinging his arms upwards

"I would do anything to feel the buzz of the pa, watery trickleing's of sweat from the steamy lights dripping off the roof" he said with his teeth Chiming

"I remember that sometimes I needed a paint stripper to remove my clothes after gigs!"

"Eugh thats revolting" said the Hack up turning hi nose

" yeah it was pretty disgusting, the words pretty damn special, you used to be able to smell me from 20 paces"

"you probably still can" laughed the hack

"trust me I made some killer stenches" he said grimacingly

"I loved the intamacey of the Louisiana, I can remember seeing the likes of the Srokes, the White Stripes, the Vines and the Scissor Sisters coming through their doors"

"really did all those bands come come through that venue?"

"Yes they sure as heel did!"

"I can remember seeing the Scissor Sisters being supported by my friends band Fortune Drive, there was only about 12 people in the audience including various members of Fortune Drive!" he stated factually

"there were only 12 people?" staggered the Hack

"Yes hack, you see this was before their supersized bombastic pop which had everyone dancing with their over the top Elton John meets David Bowie on a hyperly camp acid trip" he said with an overly enigmatic tone.

"I can remember their guitarist Del, was trying to chat up Mark, the drummer from Fortune Drive as he found him very attractive" laughed the Crone

"The Scissor Sisters played there 3 times on their way towards the top! the last of the 3 times it was ramned like sardines all crushed into a sweltering can thick with mustied sweat" he said

"They put on a really over the top performance, with tight fit skimpy costumes and feather bowers, singing in rediculous falsetto voices chirping away. well I supoes that is what should have been expected from a band that took their name from a Lesbian sex position" it was a good show though!"

"Lesbian sex position what Lesbian sex position?"

the Crone began to make shapes with his hands simulating the body positions sliding them together with open finger in scissor like shapes.

"that position"

"Oh really murmored the Hack

"They had the whole of the audience dancing from the first song right until the very last song had hit its last notes, I can even remember seeing Johnny dancing away in the audience" he laughed

"I can remember seeing this bonkers as hell Australian Glam rock band called Machine Gun Fallatio".

"there was a band called the Machine Gun Fellatio?"

"yes, they were complete bunch of nut jobs who were over this side of the world to promote their single 'Mother Fucker on a Motorcycle'

"They had a single called Mother Fucker on a Motorcycle?" questioned Hack almost spluttering with laughter

"Yep, they sure as hell did" he laughed

"They had this girl called Christine who was their support act, she used to be in an Australian version of Eurotrash!".

"Eurotrash?" puzzled Hack

"yeah you know it was a high brow entertaiment's program parodying every porno encounter, adult erotica in caberret style hummor and performances"

"that does sound very highbrow

"well basically her set did consist of a variety of knob jokes, including one song called carrot day where she preceded to sing and grate carrots all over the stage. after she had covered the stage with carrot peelings she then promptly began to fart the tune to over the rainbow!" he croaked with laughter

"How the hell did she fart the tune to over the rainbow?"

"I don't know, but each bowl moving squelch was almost perfectly pitched and lets just say that each note took a while in coming!, talk about raw gutteral talent” he chuckled

“It just goes to show what you can do with a bit of determination and perspiration”

”Their support act in question, also turned out to be one of the backing vocalists for Machine Gun Fallatio, she kept on walk on and off the stage to re-appear at random points, wearing less and less clothes until she was down to just a thong with balloons on her breasts whilst the others all looked like overly dressed extra's from Doctor Who with their gonzo glam rock bravado whilst smoke machines and bubbles were whipped across the room and the spangally glitzed up disco lights span around in giro circles” he said his eye stunned in mesmmerising memory

“Their songs were ultra sleazy, like Mother Fucker on a Motorcycle which was sung by the girl who kept on wondering on and off the stage, I can also remember the guitarist did a solo acoustic song in the encore, a nice gentle little number called ‘The Ballad of the Butt Fucking Pigeon’” laughed the Crones

“They ended the night with all the members of the band naked with Whinnie the Pooh attached to their privates with duck tape, as they ran around the audience which largely consisted of brawly australians”

“I bet Whinnie must have seen an eyeful” said the Hack braunching with laughter

“Yeah, that was one of many fun and eventful nights I have had in this here dusky old town. One other such eventful gig was when Canadian post punk misfits Les Savy Fav took on the Students Union which was up over on that hill” he said wavering his spindling finger in the direction of a hill that was covered with buildings and an empty faced street that crawled up the slope

“That there hill used to be a buzzing place full of plushly lit shops full the latest fashion feeds and café expresso for the viegne chill out spots, now it is a dusky place for the corporate whore houses!, full of steamed shriveling houses” he said huskerly

I remember when that street used to nbe a place of play and fun times with cool record shops to hangs out in where I met interesting people all the time, with unique qualities” he said with his eyes just darting past the Hack

“Its amazing to see life build up and then destroy its self, sometimes it gives people a sence of worthlessness, like myself” howled the Crone

“You are always important to someone, just remember that Crone” juddered Hack

The Crone Smirked thinly with an icy stare before sighing
“Well Les Savy Fav played at the Students Union which used to sit on the top of the hill, the promoters had made the mistake of putting on Les Savy Fav in a venue where the stage was not fixed down”

“Why what did they do?”

“Well their singer had a reputation of being a bit of a nutcase, he decided that it would be a good idea to get the crowd involved, by disassembling the stage and shoving into the audience and this was after he had stripped down to an all in one cat suit made out of really thin almost see through white lycra, poured red wine over everyone, used various audience members as mic stands whilst shoving his hands down their tops and feeling them up and deliberately electrocuting himself on stage”

“He electrocuted himself deliberate?, how or why did he do that?” puzzled the Hack

“I cant explain why Hack, I don’t quite have the mental understanding or drive to know why he would od such a thing. He electrocuted himself by unscrewing a light bulb from the low ceiling of the venue, shoving the fingers of one hand into the fittings whilst tapping a jack lead in the other hand, creating an electronic current flowing through his body”

The Crone paused and took in a deep breath “I don’t know how his body coped with the electrical current because he was not a small person”

“Wowzers” said Hack “that guy sounds like he was one too short of a case!”

“Yeah he certainly was interesting to say the least, it was like a if he just let things go hey wire" he lauded

"