Monday, 1 September 2008

“What? Dancing in your underpants?” spluttered the Hack
“yes it was for a tv show called Project Myworld, which was a hideous show” he paused before going on

“The whole premises of the show was that they would follow 3 attractive girl next door type presenters around Europe” he said twitching alien fingers.

“One of the girls would hang out with her favorite unsigned indie rock bands that they had found on myspace! Another one of the presenters went on dates with guys that she found on myspace and the other supposedly intrepid adventuring presenter went on adventures through people she had met guese where?” he said with a doppled sound of sarcasm.

“Yes that’s right she found them on myspace” he said with distained sense of Irony

“I can see a link there!”

“Yeah it is in the title” he chuckled

“So how the hell did you manage to blag that one?”

“Well We Yes You No were asked to do the show as one of the places they were visiting for the series was our beloved capital, and they wanted their no1 fan onboard” he said pointing to his chest

“I remember being asked to do the show the night before, because I was playing at a gig in the Louisiana under Manic F supporting Aussie garage rockers The Scare. So the next morning I blairily eyed motored upto London stinking of fresh manly oders from the previous nights action wearing the only vaguely clean t-shirt that I had which I did not realized contained a joke that a lot of Americans might have taken offence too” he said with spairing tones

“It was only when meeting up with We Yes You No’s drummer, when he made the point that the film crew might take offence to the T-shirt”

“Did you do anything about it?”

“No because I personally did not give a toss which ever way they reacted, they were either going to like me or hate me! so I strolled into the drummers work place where they were filming. One of the presenters introduced her self before asking if I would be doing ‘The Panty Dance’ for us!”

“How did you react to that?”

“Well how could I decline the opportunity to get my sweaty on US TV, I mean how many other people can you name to have got their arse on TV?”

The Hack just stood still in the brittle wind that blew

“Not many people have those sorts of opportunities! So I jumped at the chance. In doing so I got to meet the biggest lumps of plastic in my entire life”.

“The Biggest lumps of plastic in your entire life?”

“Yeah! The presenters were like hollowed Barbie dolls who, had to be plastered in make up every 5mins, along with the camera perfect kookiness to make them appeal for typical girl next door types with all the personalities of a piece of plastic”

“They weren’t to impressed by my T’shirt with its anti American joke, or the stench of moldy sweat and smoldering face paint stuck like super glue in my hair like masses of riddled knots. So I smelt really good!” he said with ringing sarcasm

“Well anyway we were filming at the drummers work place, which was the Sherlock Holmes museum. It also happened to be the drummers Birthday on that day and the two miss adventuring scampering presenters decided to play a guesing game dressed up in Sherlock Holmes kapes, hats and play a magic gues his age game with magnifying glasses!” he said pulling alien fingers

“I was on hand to spoil the game for them and they reacted with their faces plastered with the faux pass ‘oh who do we have hear’ expressions as I shouted out the drummers age trying to spare his diginity from being completely destroyed, by the peering eyes through magnifying glasses as I could see his face cringe with embarrassment”.

“After they had finished filming what was needed to be filmed and the poking of many blazing questions regarding my views on Americans and their institutionalized form of politics, me and the drummer dashed across town to get to We Yes You No’s rehearsal studio where we met up with the other band members, I sat in their tiny little kitchenary area chatting to band members girlfriends and Friends whilst the band rehearsed ready to be filmed, before changing into my clingy stenchard Superman tshirt”

“The film crew turned up with the girl next door type presenters and we had to pretend as if by magic we had not seen each other before!” he said synchronized with fraught sarcasm

“Eventually it came for the time when the band had to be filmed giving their grand performance, they played 3 song for the camera’s that were whipping around the room focusing on their girls trying to do forced sexyfied r’n’b style dance moves, but as soon as the cameras whipped their focuss away from them, then they just stood about with complete nunplused expressions on their faces, standing about like Barbie dolls and then right next to them was me flingning my arms free and wild like as if I did not have a care in the world. And then it came too the big moment”

“Really? The words oh and dear spring to mind!” chortled Hack

“The time had come too rip off my nose crippling t-shirt which had not been washed for weeks and was making my man breasts itch. So off came the t-shirt with me rubbing my manly breasts up and down with sticky sweat and then came the big trouser drop!” He chortled

“So I was left in my skiddy widefronts! You should have seen the expressions on their faces”

“God I can imagine!”

“All I can say is I have never seen so many people squirm at once. The presenters were cringing almost hiding with embarrassment, the cameramen did do a miraculous job in holding up the camera whilst all heaving with out right laughter, I mean how would have you reacted if you saw this slawnchy bean pole dance in grotty underwear?”

“I would be squirming to high hell!” replied Hack

“So would I, but hey that show got a regular viewer rating of over 6million in the US let alone and further viewership in European countries like France and Spain!” he explained

“So all those people got a glimpse of you in your under pants?”

“Yep, it was a prime time show so it prime time billing all across the states and it randomly got shown in Europe because my friends randomly spotted me! But it never got shown in this country because we have such quality control” he slated

“I mean they really were some of the fakest people I have ever met, they were almost as plastic as Barbie” he sighed

“It was crazy stunts like that that got me the reputation for being an eccentric nutcase. My stripping at We Yes You No’s shows caused all sorts of mayhem including being almost un-ceramoniously being dumped out of the Korova in Liverpool!”

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