Thursday, 23 October 2008

“Well one of the terms meant Darts Players, the other term meant a sexual situation that are usually filmed involving 2 men and 1 women”

“Oh! I see” paled Hack

“Well I became really attached to Kid Carpet he had a real charm in entertaining people with his Kiddie addled toy pop! Bouncing around with his my little Tomy guitar solos, he was an expert at pressing the buttons!”

“Oh yeah, he really knew how to pull off a guitar solo! His button pressing technique was exceptional” the Crone paused for a brief second

“He created what he called Shit-hop, it was like electro post punk made using Kids toys! Mixing it all together with his unique sense of humor that would make him easily appeal to wide audience of both Kids and adults a like. I really looked up to Ed and his girlfriend” he said grining with broken teeth an a reflective glaire in his eyes.


“Kid Carpet was just a stage name and gimmick that he had created by using his first name and sir name mixed together too create an anograme! So his real name was Ed Patrick. Both him and his girlfriend were really nice to me, they housed me a couple of times after shows he had played”

“They treated me with a great level of respect and so I looked up to Ed as a role figure, because I respected the way that he and his girlfriend treated people! They even would make me Breakfast and generally make sure I was alright” he paused whilst staring at the rustic Iron Girders.

“I can remember the first time I spoke to Ed’s girlfriend” he said shiftily

“I was talking to her about my mental situation and how appendicitus almost killed me with all the mental stuff that goes on in my head, I like talking to people about myself because I use it as way of introducing myself to other people” he said with a wistful air.

“Both of the shows Kid Carpet did for me were rammed to the hilt! At the show with We Yes You No people were fighting for space, literally climbing on tables and chairs to get a glimpse of Ed in action” he said raising his hands wildly into the Hacks face.

“God that sounds like it was crammed?” said Hack

“Well after a couple of years of getting to know Mr Carpet and his lovely girlfriend and turning up to loads of his gigs, he started a radio show which was broadcast to people on a local community radio station broadcast from the top of an old church that had been turned into a local community centre for all forms of art and media purposes. They often had all sorts of courses running with youth scemes” he said staring at the sky.

“What was it like doing a radio show?”

“Well we just crash invaded the place every first Thursday of the month for about an hour or so, taking it over with Eds peerless presenting style and his friends random jabbering about consumer news issues being what cheap objects she found in charity shops and there was me who was making up the pack with my hysterical innuendo’s of my vulgarity” he said shriffling up his collar in the brisk wind.

“Eds set list of songs would be like an old primary school disco mega mix! playing everything from ACDC through to Chic, to Flaming Lips, to MC Hammer, oh yes he had all the hits” chuckle the Crone faintly.

“I can remember one time when we had a live auction with a stuffed cat that purred and a superly massive tent that he had brought for a pound off ebay, both me an Gail got embodied in a full on biding war over the cat, I lost out to mystery bidder who had more then my 50p for the cat”

“Yeah the show was usually live on the internet, but sometimes due to the ineptatude of the volunteers capabilities or the equipments used in the studio!”
“What were the studio facilities like?”

“Well it was ramshackled with some good equipment and a laid back atmosphere” he said staring gainfully into Hack’s eye’s as Hack scribbled furlong smoke coming off his pen nib.

“I also at the same time became Ed’s onstage dancer, we did both Ashton Court and Bestival” he said longingly into the Hacks eyes

“Do you think this was what built you as the character that people judged you for?”

“Quite possibly Hack, quite possibly” he paused with refreshed eyes.

“Dancing onstage for Ashton Court was personal dream come true, I was onstage with Kid Carpet and his motley cru of carrier bags and robots infront of 15,000 screaming people was insane. Too have that many people screaming out your name is purely frightening and strangely enjoyable at the same time. I was one of my many dreams was to be involved as one of the main acts on the main stage, I could feel peoples voices hit me from the back of the stage, I was having to tell people to calm down because I did not want to completely take over Ed’s show!” he stated with his eyes shivering

“Why was Ashton Court such an important event to you?”

“Ashton Court was an important event not just to me but to the entirety of the musical community in Bristol, it was a chance for smaller bands to play in a bigger stage too their home audiences. I can remember seeing Skunk Anansie play there in 95 when I was just a wee boy, hearing the soul power stroked vocals rip over punk rock riffs and thumping bass lines with a pounding sense of punching emotions and stagnant furry!” rattled the crones voice in vibrant ecstacy

“I have never had such a big adrenalin rush in my life” he exclaimed

“We also did Bestival later on that summer, which was almost as crazy as Ashton Court”

“Really?” pondered Hack

“Yes it was like as if half of Bristol had gone on a camping holliday to the Isle of Wight, which is a beautiful place”.

Hack nodded with agreement “Ie Old Crone it sure is a beautiful place”

“The festival was set in a family adventure park, everything about the sight was picturesque, from the sculptures through too the words written on the hill and the musical line-up was astonishing, it was the best festival of the summer”.

“What made it such a good festival?”

“Well everybody spent the entire weekend in my tuxsedo partying it up for 3 days solid, Kid carpet was on in the House of Bamboo stage which was in a huge marquee of over a thousand plus people, it was buldging by the time Ed was onstage” he said beamingly

“I was behind the stage winding myself up being preppared for the curtain call of Carrier Bag and then all a sudden it was lift off! Things went swimmingly for Ed until his hard drive crashed meaning he had to pretty much end his set there and then leaving haude of people chanting out my name, he pulled me up for one last
parade around the stage too people who were blasting out my name as I tried in veign to deflate my ego!”

“Why was it in veighn?”

“Well my ego lit up like a hot air balloon with me gloating for weeks after, meaning that I talked too all as if I was above them, even my friends” he sighed

“That’s when I realized that what I had been given can quite easily be taken away” he paused too intake a stiff breath

“It was around then when things started to get a bit hectic” he said stairing bewilderedly at the iron girders and his damp sleeping bag

“Why were things getting hectic?” Questioned the Hack with young tones ringing in his ears.

“Because I had gained a reputation of being a well known person for dancing at the front of gigs, people wanted me to be in their videos. I was the latest thing that was seen to be hanging on the latest models arms, who wanted to be seen in all the flashy rags, with their glitterati wanting me on their hands!”

Monday, 6 October 2008

“The Korova?”

“Yeah it was a plush little venue where bands played in the venues basement and the upstairs was Weatherspoons like diner cheap pub”

“We Yes You No were asked to play sed venue by a band called 28 Costumes, who were extremely influential in the thriving boss pop scene that was buzzing around in the city producing bands like The Wombats, Go Faster and Elle Sapelle” He stated

“28 Costumes were running a regular weekly residency to celebrate the release of their latest single”

“So 28 Costumes asked We Yes You No to play the Korova?”

“Yep, So ventured down to Liverpool smelling rosefully and after an hour or so of misconstrued directions and aiming in the total point of lostness” he breathed.

“Once I had stumbled into the venue, I found various band members berating the food menu with the singer doing his standard why can’t everyone be Vegans before scoffling down a bowl of Tomato soup. The band then wheeled in their equipment for sound check”.

“It was soon show time and so I was busy rounding up people for We Yes You No totally unaware that there were big TV screens up around the place and that there were camera’s placed downstairs and dopey old me did not make the connection”

“What connection? what did you do?”

“Well We Yes You No came to their last song and so I joined them onstage in my orange boiler suite and superman t-shirt and I began to perform my specialties!” he crowed

“What happened?”

“Well as I was performing the strip there seemed to be an ever growing number of security puffer jackets appearing in the audience, until I was confront by two heavies who virtually dragged me out in my skiddy kecks on”

“Did they do anything to you?”

“No they just let me go with a shrift warning in my ear!”

“So you were very lucky to get away with a warning”

“Yes I was but that was not the only time I made a fool of myself that evening because I tried to chat up two lovely looking girls who turned out to be lesbians!”

“Aparrantly I had caused quite a stir with my nights acivity. There were quite a few luminaries of the Liverpool scene aparantly burgers and me in my underwear do not bode well together!” he chuckled

“I can believe that!” chuckled Hack

“Yeah I think some people were disturbingly turned on, like the bands girlfriends who plastered me in writing with a big black marker pen” he paused

“I was a bit mad around those times, I was starting to believe my own hype, I was used as an extra for my friends band Fortune Drive, I was used in the background crowd with their friends. We all ram raided the dressing up box to try and create a party like theme in The Old Duke. The Old Duke was a real musicians pub, it was one of the few pubs that I visited. I always saw friendly faces that served me”

“They had closed off the pub for the filming of the video, sealing the windows with black material to create the feeling of night time, they served us with fake booze because of licensing laws it was illegal to serve alcohol on film sets, but some of the cast had stocked up on magic apple juice”

“Magic Apple juice?”

“Yeah you know Cider, we were sat around outside the pub soaking up the Magic Apple juice in our ridiculous costumes, I had a really freaky mask on the back of my head and I had a cape attached around my neck. I really freaked people out with the mask, it was really creepy looking”.

“Why were they not allowed to have alcohol on set?”

“It’s something to do with laws and legistation regarding health and safety apparently and it also means that the people making the video don’t have to pay the companies for product placements” he said gainfully

“Well anyway we all had to pretend that we were merrily drunk having a good time whilst being sat around the tables in the Old Duke, the people sat on my table had sneaked in the magic Apple Juice!” he laughed

“The longer the filming went on the more the magic apple juice began to take effect! Sat around on the table I was on was a soul singer called David and a Swedish girl called Annie, we decided it would be a good idea to do some roll playing, so me and David decided that we were going to have an argument over Annie and things got a little more active and the Magic Apple juice flowed with the dramatic effects ending with both me and David headbuting each other which hurt like hell as he had a big forehead” he chuckled

“I also did a video appearances for We Yes You No and Kid Carpet, We Yes You No had me star as the main character for their video Apocalypes Pocket Sized Edition” he stated

“I received the script for their video a couple of days before the shoot, basically they wanted me to lead a parade around the backstreets of London dressed in tuxcedo, swat an Imaginary dragonfly. I felt like a wolf trussed up in Sheep’s clothing!”

“At one point I had to spell bind the following crowd with an Ed the Duck style puppet placed on my hand! Qu lots of jokes about me fisting Ed the duck, from a drunken crowd of extras who at large were friend s of the bass player! It felt like such an international day, there were spanish, italians and Cockneys” he ribbed

“Aren’t cockneys English?” laughed Hack

“Do cockneys count as English or as anything!”

“Well the last few scenes that we shot in a kids play ground with me sitting on a swing holding onto a balloon! With people dancing around me, these turned out to be the first and final scenes in the video” he pause

“I can remember the director of the video kept on sucking upto me in a weirdo kind of way! Your going to be such a star, your going to be a superstar! The production team were brothers from Austrailia and the directors Girlfriend” he described
“Superstar my arse!”

The Crone paused reflectively

“I can remember the first time I made contact with We Yes You No, I discovered them on myspace whilst searching for new bands, I really wanted to see them play live so I invited them to play a show down here with Kid Carpet and they invited me upto to meet with them and watch them play in the holday inn”

“They played in a Holliday inn?”

“Yes it was one of the strangest gigs I have ever been too!, watching We Yes You No play to an empty hall in a hotel was a bit strange! There was nobody there because the promoter was charging through the nose to go and see unsigned bands, he was charging £12.50 or something like that”

“£12.50 to see unsigned bands?, that is pure extortion!”

“That is exactly what I thought. The headliners did make me laugh even though they were really arrogant”

“Really what were they called?”

“God knows! I don’t really care, I remember sitting down at the table eating the food the Hotel had laid on for us when the singer from the headliners entered the room with his girlfriend and started playing around with his mobile phone, he had their one and only single as his ringtone. He kept on playing it going, isn’t this the greatest song in the world with his girlfriend sucking off his ego” sniggered the Crone

“To me it sounded like a cheap David Bowie rip off held together with the Heroes riff, all I can remember is that they were all coke heads backed by flashy looking management who had hyped them up! And look what happened they got dumped upon never to be seen or heard again!”

“They got dumped upon?”

“Yes and rightfully so they were awful!”
“And so anyway I had approached We Yes You No to try and promote them in Bristol, because I used to promote shows under the alias of Open All Ears and I managed to get them on a strong bill with Mr Kid Carpet and a varying bunch of nut jobs called Los Conios, which is Spanish for the Cunts”

“The first act I ever put on was Kid Carpet, I can remember the first ever show I did, I had Kid Carpet headlining the Croft with the DP Wives”.

“DP Wives?”

“Yes there were several conotations as to what the name could mean both with the same sexual meaning!”

“What sexual meaning was that?”